let it go. part 2

A few days ago I listed this print in my etsy shop. When I created this piece, it came from what I shared in my last post, about surrendering and letting go.

Last week was a rough one for me. Sometimes out of the blue, something inside me is triggered and I realize that I'm still broken and fragile in some areas. I was in a group of ladies last week when this started. I knew most of the ladies and they know me. They know my story and my marital status. There were a few women I had never seen before, and we went around the room introducing ourselves. After a couple of ladies shared, each one included how long they'd been married. One lady said she had five children, and then added, "and I'm married", which made everyone laugh.  Like of course she's married if she has all those kids. And it made me want to run. I didn't want my turn to come, to have to say that I'm a single mom. I know it seems ridiculous. I know most of these ladies. They're family. They've been with me through it all. But I hate that being divorced is part of who I am. I know it doesn't really define me, and it's not all that I am, but it is part of me now. I had to fight back tears and take a deep breath when my turn came, and I got through it. I went home that night and read the first chapter of the book for our study, Unglued. In the acknowledgments, the author, Lysa Terkeurst recognizes her "favorites" and lists her husband and children.  She then states, "You are the answers to the prayers I prayed as a little girl". And my tears flowed freely this time. I had dreams and prayers as a little girl too, and being divorced was never a part of that. I came from a broken family and I never wanted that for my children. I hate that we have to split up holidays and that feeling in my gut when I kiss and hug tight my little ones after  driving an hour and a half to drop them off to visit their dad every other weekend. There is nothing in me that wishes to still be with my ex-husband, but I hate what divorce does to families and that my kids have to deal with the affects. This was not part of the dream.

God has brought a lot of healing and restoration in the last three years, but I realize there are still some areas of tenderness. It's never fun when these things surface, but I'm thankful because it's only when things are surfaced that they can be healed. Sometimes the things we need to let go of are bigger than we are.  Sometimes they are dreams that we've held for a long time. Good dreams. God is all about families and wants them to stay together. But we live in a broken world and people make wrong choices. Divorce was not part of my plan and it's not what God wanted for us. But He can make beautiful things out of brokenness. 

Sometimes there are other tragedies like sickness and loss of loved ones or company downsizing and layoffs that kill our dreams. But when one dream ends, if we let it go, a new dream can be birthed in us. We don't always understand why good dreams have to die, but we can trust that God's dreams are bigger and better than ours and decide to trust Him.  Even though I've come a long way in three years, it was just last week that I realized I still needed to let go of the dream of having a traditional family. To really move forward means to really let go. I accepted the fact that our marriage ended long ago, but I still held on to the feelings of it's not fair for the kids and this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've been telling my kids all along that things may not look like we wanted them to, but it can still be good.  I've assured them that God still has a plan for us.  I've said these things and believed them to be true, but deep inside I think I still felt guilty and wished it didn't have to be this way for them. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I can move forward into the new dreams God has for us.

We are complete in Him. He is the perfect Father, Protector, Provider and Lover of our souls. His love has carried us and at the end of the day when my strength and energy are gone, He is my strength. I didn't really imagine myself being with someone else, and definitely didn't want to go through the dating scene, looking for someone.  But when I least expected it, God brought an amazing, loving, patient, strong and steady man into my life. We both went through similar situations and worked through the healing process on our own before we ever noticed each other or came together. He's someone I've been acquainted with for a long time and it all started very slowly and naturally. The last year with him has been so real and beautiful. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it. New dreams have been born and it's exciting to see what God has in store for us and our children. This is definitely not what either of us had planned, but we are so thankful that God has brought us together and for the new dreams He's given us. Like I said, I am complete in who I am in God. It's not that I need a man to complete me, but he's icing on the cake. And let's face it... the icing is the sweetest part, that's why I always go for the corner piece! =) Not what I was looking for or expected, but a beautiful surprise. I've let go of my dreams to pursue and fully embrace God's dreams for me.

let it go. part 1

One of the things I've learned in this journey I've been on since my marriage ended is that it's ok to feel things like sadness, anger, regret, fear, rejection, discouragement, etc. It used to be that when things went wrong and I started to feel what I would have labeled a negative emotion, I would quickly chase it away and try to magically feel happy again. I've always thought of myself as an optimist, and try to find the good in things. But when something really huge and life altering happens, you kind of realize that you can't just magically make your feelings disappear. I started watching Lost on Netflix around the time my ex-husband left, and as silly as it may sound, I learned an important lesson from the show that I'm still grateful for. It must have been the first or second episode, just after the plane crashed on the beach. Jack recounted a time when he was full of fear just before he was to perform a risky surgery. He was given the advice to feel the fear in all its intensity for one full minute, and then let it go and move forward. He took the advice and after allowing himself to feel the fear, he was able to let go and focus, successfully performing the surgery at hand.  

I've found that to be helpful advice when faced with fears, doubts, disappointments, sorrow, anger, etc. Instead of rejecting the feelings and trying to make them just disappear, I've learned to allow myself to feel these things, even feel them deeply for a time, and then I'm able to surrender the feelings and let them go. I used to pray for God to take my feelings away. Now I let myself feel them and work through them. Instead of asking God to take them away, I ask Him to heal me. I tell Him how I feel, even when it isn't pretty (He already knows anyway). He created us and He gave us emotions. They're not wrong, even if we see them as negative. They're just evidence that healing needs to take place. So now when I'm sad or frustrated or feeling defeated, I feel it. And I pray through it and sometimes talk it through with someone I trust. And then I let it go. It's so important to let it go after feeling it, because if we don't, it will turn into bitterness. I can feel anger, but I don't want to become an angry person. I can feel sadness, but I don't want to become depressed. I can feel hurt, but I don't want to stay there. I want to move forward into healing. Sometimes I may feel like I've failed, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm a work in progress as long as I don't get stuck in those feelings.  

Sometimes things happen that are just not fair. It's ok to feel that way... and then let it go.

Sometimes people hurt us. It's completely normal (and even good, in my opinion) to feel all the emotions that come with being hurt. But instead of acting and responding in those feelings, we can pray through them and let them go. We can ask God to transform those feelings into compassion and pray for the one who hurt us. It's easier to write about than to practice, but with time it gets easier and can become a natural response.

Sometimes we blow it. This one is hard for me. I'm hard on myself and tend to feel like a failure. But that's not truth. I can feel the regret and remorse, but then surrender those feelings and ask God to remind me of truth. Then I can let it go and move forward.  

We can't move forward when we're wallowing in self pity or anger. Our feelings may be warranted and they're always valid, but they have to be temporary so they don't control us or change who we are and how we respond to things.

Sometimes it helps to have something visual to help us remember things that God is teaching us. This is what was on my heart when I painted this.

"Let it Go" print available in my etsy shop.

Your feelings matter. They are valid and they are often justified. But if you hold on to them, they'll make you ugly from the inside out.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Let it go. Surrender it to the Lord and He will replace your sorrow for joy, your mourning for dancing, and your fear, anger and worry for peace.