surviving divorce

Divorce is one of the ugliest and saddest words I know. It's not something I ever thought I'd go through myself. As a teen, I experienced my parents' divorce, and even though I never saw them fight and it was a civil disunion, I never ever wanted it for myself, and I definitely didn't want to put my kids through that or raise them as a single mom. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is part of my story. 

For quite some time, I was very guarded and didn't think I'd ever open my heart to falling in love or getting married. Then I went to college and grew in many ways, while remaining naive in many others. I dated a few guys for short periods of time and had a lot of friends, but wasn't sure marriage was for me. Then in my junior year I met someone who was fun, attractive and came from a good family. I fell in love with the idea of being married and raising a family of my own. People nicknamed our school "Bethany Bridal College", with the tag line "ring by spring or your money back". Six months after I graduated, I was married. I remember a few months after getting married, realizing I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into, but was determined to make it work. We were married 16 years and had four children. We were involved in church and even leaders in a marriage ministry. But we rarely connected. He was into his career(s); I wrapped myself up in raising our kids, and became more actively involved in church ministry. We were like two ships passing. We docked at the same harbor but rarely spent time or energy making our marriage what it should have been. Early in 2010, he started working out of town on weekends, and was working 7 days a week between his two jobs. That was also when I began working outside the home for the first time since having kids. It was rough on the family, and on our marriage, but I thought we'd get through it and be stronger on the other side. What I didn't know was that he had met someone and ultimately decided he'd rather be with her than me. He moved out a little over four years ago.

It's been quite a journey... raising four kids alone, healing (for myself and for them), a move, scheduling, school, work, finances, legal issues, etc. It hasn't been easy, and I don't wish it on anyone. But in the midst of it all, we've had comfort and peace that I can't explain. We have never been alone (though sometimes it may feel that way), and we have hope. The JOY of the Lord has been our strength. He is so good, and His love has been so amazing and so real. Sometimes we get frustrated with our circumstances, but we're together and there is peace in our home. We have awesome family and friends who have come alongside to assist in ways I'll never adequately be able to thank.

One thing I'm thankful I learned early on was that I couldn't get through this journey alone. I had always been one to keep real feelings bottled up, but in the weeks and months following the separation and leading to divorce (and beyond), I knew I needed to be open and vulnerable with a few trusted loved ones. I allowed myself to feel every emotion as it came and I was able to share feelings such as frustration, fear, sadness, anger, regret, worry and shame (SO much shame. I felt like I had a big scarlet letter "D" on my chest, identifying me as a throw-away, one who had been divorced). Because I was open and shared in this way, I was able to be strong for my kids. I processed what I needed to on my own through prayer and with a few safe people, so when I was with them, I was able to listen and guide them through their healing processes. I didn't pretend to have it all together with them, and they've seen that I'm on a journey myself, but I have spared them the details and we pray together a lot. I can't say I'm doing it all perfectly or always have the right answers for them, but overall I think we've all come a long way. When I say I've been open and vulnerable, I don't mean in a blast it all on Facebook kind of way. I'm very careful with what I shared publicly, but with just a handful of people who I know I can trust, I have processed and worked through my feelings.

I thought I'd share here a few resources that I have found to be very helpful. If you know someone who is starting on this journey, please feel free to share. My hope is that I can offer what was helpful to me, especially in the beginning, and extend some hope in a time that can feel very dark and lonely. If you are reading this and you are on a similar road, I encourage you to look into some of these resources and also to open up to someone who can walk alongside you. Please contact me if you'd like to get in touch and need to hear from someone who has an idea what you're going through. You are not alone. And you are SO worth loving.

(I have an affiliate account with Amazon, so any purchases made by clicking the links below will help bring in a little extra income to my family.. thank you!)

My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas

I love Angela Thomas. I have since the first time I read one of her books, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? (which I also very highly recommend). She is so real, very funny, and writes in a way you feel like you're sitting with a good friend who really gets it.

I didn't know that she was a single mom until after I became one. (And when I found out, I might have cried a little.  Her too?  She's been through this and she knows what I'm going through?  It felt like an answer to a prayer I hadn't even prayed yet.. to have someone to identify with and learn from.  I read her book and was so thankful that she shared from her heart the way she did. She helped me to not feel so alone. Reading her book helped me identify and work through a lot of the feelings I was having in the early stages of my journey through divorce. She writes about feeling lonely, overwhelmed, afraid, ashamed, and ultimately, hopeful. I got to meet Angela at a conference a few months after my ex-husband left. I told her that I had recently become a single mom, that I read her book and that I was where she had been 10 years prior. She gave me a hug and said, "Isn't that just the dumbest club to be in?" (as in Single Mom's club). Reading this was like having a big sister who had already walked the road I was beginning, sharing her heartbreak, disappointment, wisdom and hope along the way.

Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry

This one deals with all sorts of setbacks and tragedies, not just divorce.  There are many reasons and situations we unwillingly find ourselves grieving and struggling to move forward.  Mark Atteberry reminds us that we are not alone, that God is there to guide us on the journey.  This certainly applies to divorce recovery and becoming a single parent, but you can also pass it on to someone grieving the loss of a loved one, miscarriage, job loss and financial struggles, illness, etc.  The road is hard, but we are not alone.

Each chapter highlights a strategy for how to travel these roads, with titles such as Trust God to Meet Your Needs, Go at God's Pace, Stay Positive, Enjoy Every Oasis, Expect Detours, Keep Your Dreams Alive, When You Come to the Jordan Cross it, etc.  Every one of these is filled with heart felt stories of people who have gone through (and come out on the other side of) personal tragedies of one kind or another.  What I appreciate is that it's not just someone awkwardly offering shallow words of comfort because they don't know what to say.  Anyone can quote Scripture and tell you that everything will be ok.  This is more like someone putting a hand on your shoulder and saying, "I know your pain.  I've been there too.  The circumstances were different, but our God is the same and His love will see you through.  Here's how He did that for me."  It's very genuine and compassionate.  

Every Single Day: Devotional Moments for the Solo Mom (Motherhood Club)


A little devotional book, Every Single Day takes you through 12 weeks of encouragement for single moms.  There are stories and Scriptures for each day, complete with prayers.  Written by a single mom who knows first hand how exhausting, lonely and rewarding the task can be, this is a nice little book to keep by the bedside.

My sister gave this to me.  It's a nice book to give as a gift to someone who is beginning a new stage of life as a single mom.  It's a sweet way to let her know that maybe you don't know the struggle first hand, but that you care and want to offer some comfort.

Divorce Care: Hope, Help, and Healing During and After Your Divorce

I remember the first time I saw a church with a banner for Divorce Care, I was picking my girls up from school as I passed by.  I thought no way would I ever go to something like that.  It seemed like a place divorcees would go to find someone new, like a meat market, and I was absolutely not interested in that!  I was, however, curious enough about the ministry to check out their website.  While I wasn't interested in attending a group, I did sign up for their emails.  I found these to be very helpful.  They were short and to the point, and very applicable for what I was going through and the healing that needed to take place.  Sometimes I found that they pinpointed feelings I had and things I needed to work through before I was even aware of them.  A group formed at my church several months after I had gone through the year of email devotions from Divorce Care.  I realize now that these groups have nothing to do with trying to meet someone and hook up!  They are just people walking the same road who see the importance of community and not going it alone.



Life's Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits

All about recovery, this book takes the focus away from the hurt and onto the healing.  It is broken down into choices that we can make to move toward wholeness.  It is very similar to the 12 Step program in AA.  We have a choice.. we can stay stuck in our pain, anger, disappointment and sadness, or we can choose a life of healing and happiness.  It is very practical and at the end of each chapter, there are actions that suggest activities you can do that will move you closer to freedom from your hurts.

You can also check out the Celebrate Recovery website to find groups, classes and events in your area.


"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions:  Wait for hope to appear.  Don't run from trouble.  Take it full-face.  The 'worst' is never the worst.  Why?  Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.  If He works severely, He also works tenderly.  His stockpiles of loyal love are immense."
-Lamentations 3:28-32 The Message

let it go. part 2

A few days ago I listed this print in my etsy shop. When I created this piece, it came from what I shared in my last post, about surrendering and letting go.

Last week was a rough one for me. Sometimes out of the blue, something inside me is triggered and I realize that I'm still broken and fragile in some areas. I was in a group of ladies last week when this started. I knew most of the ladies and they know me. They know my story and my marital status. There were a few women I had never seen before, and we went around the room introducing ourselves. After a couple of ladies shared, each one included how long they'd been married. One lady said she had five children, and then added, "and I'm married", which made everyone laugh.  Like of course she's married if she has all those kids. And it made me want to run. I didn't want my turn to come, to have to say that I'm a single mom. I know it seems ridiculous. I know most of these ladies. They're family. They've been with me through it all. But I hate that being divorced is part of who I am. I know it doesn't really define me, and it's not all that I am, but it is part of me now. I had to fight back tears and take a deep breath when my turn came, and I got through it. I went home that night and read the first chapter of the book for our study, Unglued. In the acknowledgments, the author, Lysa Terkeurst recognizes her "favorites" and lists her husband and children.  She then states, "You are the answers to the prayers I prayed as a little girl". And my tears flowed freely this time. I had dreams and prayers as a little girl too, and being divorced was never a part of that. I came from a broken family and I never wanted that for my children. I hate that we have to split up holidays and that feeling in my gut when I kiss and hug tight my little ones after  driving an hour and a half to drop them off to visit their dad every other weekend. There is nothing in me that wishes to still be with my ex-husband, but I hate what divorce does to families and that my kids have to deal with the affects. This was not part of the dream.

God has brought a lot of healing and restoration in the last three years, but I realize there are still some areas of tenderness. It's never fun when these things surface, but I'm thankful because it's only when things are surfaced that they can be healed. Sometimes the things we need to let go of are bigger than we are.  Sometimes they are dreams that we've held for a long time. Good dreams. God is all about families and wants them to stay together. But we live in a broken world and people make wrong choices. Divorce was not part of my plan and it's not what God wanted for us. But He can make beautiful things out of brokenness. 

Sometimes there are other tragedies like sickness and loss of loved ones or company downsizing and layoffs that kill our dreams. But when one dream ends, if we let it go, a new dream can be birthed in us. We don't always understand why good dreams have to die, but we can trust that God's dreams are bigger and better than ours and decide to trust Him.  Even though I've come a long way in three years, it was just last week that I realized I still needed to let go of the dream of having a traditional family. To really move forward means to really let go. I accepted the fact that our marriage ended long ago, but I still held on to the feelings of it's not fair for the kids and this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've been telling my kids all along that things may not look like we wanted them to, but it can still be good.  I've assured them that God still has a plan for us.  I've said these things and believed them to be true, but deep inside I think I still felt guilty and wished it didn't have to be this way for them. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I can move forward into the new dreams God has for us.

We are complete in Him. He is the perfect Father, Protector, Provider and Lover of our souls. His love has carried us and at the end of the day when my strength and energy are gone, He is my strength. I didn't really imagine myself being with someone else, and definitely didn't want to go through the dating scene, looking for someone.  But when I least expected it, God brought an amazing, loving, patient, strong and steady man into my life. We both went through similar situations and worked through the healing process on our own before we ever noticed each other or came together. He's someone I've been acquainted with for a long time and it all started very slowly and naturally. The last year with him has been so real and beautiful. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it. New dreams have been born and it's exciting to see what God has in store for us and our children. This is definitely not what either of us had planned, but we are so thankful that God has brought us together and for the new dreams He's given us. Like I said, I am complete in who I am in God. It's not that I need a man to complete me, but he's icing on the cake. And let's face it... the icing is the sweetest part, that's why I always go for the corner piece! =) Not what I was looking for or expected, but a beautiful surprise. I've let go of my dreams to pursue and fully embrace God's dreams for me.

let it go. part 1

One of the things I've learned in this journey I've been on since my marriage ended is that it's ok to feel things like sadness, anger, regret, fear, rejection, discouragement, etc. It used to be that when things went wrong and I started to feel what I would have labeled a negative emotion, I would quickly chase it away and try to magically feel happy again. I've always thought of myself as an optimist, and try to find the good in things. But when something really huge and life altering happens, you kind of realize that you can't just magically make your feelings disappear. I started watching Lost on Netflix around the time my ex-husband left, and as silly as it may sound, I learned an important lesson from the show that I'm still grateful for. It must have been the first or second episode, just after the plane crashed on the beach. Jack recounted a time when he was full of fear just before he was to perform a risky surgery. He was given the advice to feel the fear in all its intensity for one full minute, and then let it go and move forward. He took the advice and after allowing himself to feel the fear, he was able to let go and focus, successfully performing the surgery at hand.  

I've found that to be helpful advice when faced with fears, doubts, disappointments, sorrow, anger, etc. Instead of rejecting the feelings and trying to make them just disappear, I've learned to allow myself to feel these things, even feel them deeply for a time, and then I'm able to surrender the feelings and let them go. I used to pray for God to take my feelings away. Now I let myself feel them and work through them. Instead of asking God to take them away, I ask Him to heal me. I tell Him how I feel, even when it isn't pretty (He already knows anyway). He created us and He gave us emotions. They're not wrong, even if we see them as negative. They're just evidence that healing needs to take place. So now when I'm sad or frustrated or feeling defeated, I feel it. And I pray through it and sometimes talk it through with someone I trust. And then I let it go. It's so important to let it go after feeling it, because if we don't, it will turn into bitterness. I can feel anger, but I don't want to become an angry person. I can feel sadness, but I don't want to become depressed. I can feel hurt, but I don't want to stay there. I want to move forward into healing. Sometimes I may feel like I've failed, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm a work in progress as long as I don't get stuck in those feelings.  

Sometimes things happen that are just not fair. It's ok to feel that way... and then let it go.

Sometimes people hurt us. It's completely normal (and even good, in my opinion) to feel all the emotions that come with being hurt. But instead of acting and responding in those feelings, we can pray through them and let them go. We can ask God to transform those feelings into compassion and pray for the one who hurt us. It's easier to write about than to practice, but with time it gets easier and can become a natural response.

Sometimes we blow it. This one is hard for me. I'm hard on myself and tend to feel like a failure. But that's not truth. I can feel the regret and remorse, but then surrender those feelings and ask God to remind me of truth. Then I can let it go and move forward.  

We can't move forward when we're wallowing in self pity or anger. Our feelings may be warranted and they're always valid, but they have to be temporary so they don't control us or change who we are and how we respond to things.

Sometimes it helps to have something visual to help us remember things that God is teaching us. This is what was on my heart when I painted this.

"Let it Go" print available in my etsy shop.

Your feelings matter. They are valid and they are often justified. But if you hold on to them, they'll make you ugly from the inside out.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Let it go. Surrender it to the Lord and He will replace your sorrow for joy, your mourning for dancing, and your fear, anger and worry for peace.

dreadiversary

One year ago today, I was on a plane to Portland with Joe to get dreadlocks. Something I'd wanted for a long time, a surprise trip planned by him.  Today things are very different.  Even during that trip, things were not quite right, but I didn't realize at the time how dreadfully different our lives would be today.  I say dreadfully because it is truly a tragedy when a marriage ends (and partly because I'm a big dork and love puns).  But God has stepped in, in such an amazing way, and I can say with all honesty and gratitude that He has given me amazing peace and joy in the last year.  Our divorce was final on March 30.  Just a few days later Joe remarried.  It's been a whirlwind of a year, that's for sure.. but I have a lot to be thankful for.

Here are a few pictures of my dreads when I had them.  I loved them, and it would have been nice if they lasted... but I'm content with my unruly mane.

Wow.  While these photos were uploading, two songs played from my ipod.  The first resonated with my spirit.  I keep praying to be completely humble and for God's will to be done.  

Shoot.  I just checked youtube and couldn't find a video for the first song.  (It's an oldie.)  Here are the lyrics:

Humble Me by Cheri Keaggy

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where I look in Your face
And I'm touched by Your grace
And I see You for who You are

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where my heart can rejoice
At the sound of Your voice
And I know You for who You are

A holy God, full of glory
Full of love for me
A loving God, full of mercy
In Your will is where I want to be

As the song played, I listened and my heart sang along in full agreement.  Part of my morning prayer time includes the end of Psalm 139: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

The next song that came on seemed like a response from God's heart to mine:



God is so good!  The perfect Lover of my soul.  I think I'll bask in that love all day!

my loves

My silly kids and me. Oh how I love them!

I wanted an updated family picture of the kids and I, so my sister took some for us yesterday. It's challenging to get four kids to be still, look at the camera, and smile like they mean it when they'd rather be playing with cousins... but we got some good ones. 

beauty.
such a sweet boy. for real.
full of joy.
This little guy and his dark brown eyes. He melts me every time.

Learning to be a single mom isn't easy... but these children are amazing. I am blessed.