the tide is turning

In January, I wrote about this being a year of transition for our family. In February, I got engaged (!!!) and started working part time at a Christian preschool. Earlier this month, I accepted a full time position as assistant director of the preschool, and assumed my new role last week. I also submitted my letter of resignation to my beloved Starbucks, which was very bittersweet. I loved my job there, and all the people I worked with and served, but it was time to move on. My degree is in Intercultural Child Development, and it's good to be working in a preschool setting again. This is the first time I've worked full time outside the home since having children, so it's a big adjustment, especially with baseball season happening! Between us, Al and I have six children, and four of them are playing baseball or softball. I'm thankful for a 17 year old daughter who helps with the driving, and for my boss, who is trying to accommodate my schedule so that I can be at as many games as possible. The next few months will continue to bring change, as we prepare for our June wedding and look for a place to live and bring our families together. God is good! It's so amazing to think of where we were 5 years ago, and the journey He has brought us on. At times it has been very hard, very lonely, very discouraging.. but all along, God has been by my side (and by Al's side in his journey). He has helped us nurture and guide our children along the way, and now He's bringing our families together and provided a new job for me. His faithfulness is truly great!

a perfect proposal!

For Valentines Day, my love surprised me with a trip in a hot air balloon! It's something I've dreamed of doing since I was little, and although I'm afraid of heights, I was super excited to go! We scheduled our trip for the next weekend, and got up early to drive to Calistoga, where we would depart. It was so cool watching the crew set up the balloon. They rolled it out on a humungous tarp, and started blowing it up with two large fans. 

It was a beautiful day! I was worried it may be a little cold, but it was perfect. Sunny and cool, and just right!

It was so amazing to watch as they inflated our balloon. I really wanted to take off my shoes and run through the inside!

I looked down from the basket for a second and was a little scared, but then I just looked out instead, and it was so beautiful and peaceful. Look at our view!

Another company was setting their balloons up also, but ours took flight first. I think ours was the prettiest!

Shortly before we began our descent, Al pulled out a little black velvet box. He was trying to talk to me, but it was hard to hear him because of the noise of the flame when the pilot pulled the lever to keep us where we needed to be. I kept leaning closer to hear what he was trying to say. He opened the box and looked at me, like he was expecting me to say something... After a few seconds I asked, "Is there something you want to ask me?" And he did. He asked me to marry him. And of course, I said yes. It was a special moment, just between the two of us, even though there were others in the balloon. It may have been the world's quietest proposal. But it was perfect.

When we landed, I noticed a pretty grove of trees and large rocks, so I wanted us to go over there. Al was hesitant, because we were told that sometimes there are rattlesnakes in that area. I figured we were safe, since it was February and probably too cold for them. He didn't get why I wanted to go, but I wanted to hear the rest of his speech! So he agreed. It was short and sweet, and an experience I'll never forget.

We decided to go to San Francisco for the afternoon and celebrate with dinner afterwards, and he wanted to go to the Giants Dugout store. (He bought us matching orange jerseys!) We went to the one at AT&T park, which was perfect, because for our first date, we went to a game there. 

I love this picture (admittedly, his idea). We are in this together. We know a second marriage/ blended family (with six kids!!!) won't be easy.. But it will be worth it. He posted this picture on instagram, and these were his sweet words: "God works in mysterious ways and I'm so thankful for the amazing lady that He so sweetly placed in my life and that of my children. He brought her into my life quite unexpectedly and at a time when her unwavering support was priceless. I have come to know an amazing love through her gentle ways. Thank you my @jenuineruby and I look forward to spending the rest of my years by your side. I love you!"

We kept our news top secret until we had a chance to tell our kids. Al took Brooklyn and Zeke (my 17 and 15 year olds) aside first and shared with them what his intentions are. He had a little talk that was just between them, and I'm so glad he took the opportunity to do that.  We got them all together the next night and took them out for ice cream to celebrate our youngest, Judah's birthday. We told them the story of the hot air balloon ride, and the proposal, and he gave me the ring again, in front of them in Baskin Robbins. They were happy.. especially the younger ones. I think one of them said, "Finally!" and Judah said, "That's the best birthday present ever!" I agree. It's an amazing gift, this redeeming of broken families and the start of something new. 

transition

It took me a little longer than usual to come up with my word for this year. In the fall, the word PERSEVERE kept coming up. And persevere I did. The definition of persevere is to "continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success." This doesn't quite conjure up excitement in me. It's more like dragging heavy boots through deep snow in the bitter cold, hoping that the road won't go on forever and that there might be a nice fire and a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows at the end. (I'm a California girl, but I did live in Minnesota for a while, so I know this cold I speak of. Minnesota nice is a real thing.. but so is Minnesota cold!)

Isaiah 30:18 says, "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." 

In the last month or so, I've felt that things are beginning to shift. I'm so ready to move into all that God has for us this year. 

I've decided that my word for this year is TRANSITION. Transition is defined as "the process of changing from one state or condition to another." I'm declaring this as a year of change for our family. Good things are ahead and I can hardly wait! 

There are two songs that have stood out to me during Sunday morning worship times and I have to declare them over our family for this year.

The first is "Turn it Around" by Israel and New Breed. Here are the lyrics:

all things are possible for You

all things are possible

nothing's too difficult for You

nothing's too difficult

I'm ready for change 

ready for rain

ready for favor

I know You're able to

turn it around

open the windows of Heaven

pour out a blessing 

OVERFLOW

turn it around

open the windows of Heaven

pour out a blessing 

we cannot contain

let it rain  let it rain

You have turned my mourning to dancing

You've turned my sorrow to joy

You have turned my whole life around

and I thank You Lord I thank You Lord

2015! Ready for change! Ready for rain! Ready for favor!

The other song that really caught my attention is "You Have Called Me Higher" by All Sons & Daughers.

The lyrics:

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness

hope to feel Your presence

and I could just stay 

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You

hope to feel something again

and I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You

change me from the inside

and I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

never let these walls down

but You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

and I'll go where You will lead me Lord

You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

and I'll go where You will lead me Lord

where You lead me

where You lead me Lord

and I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my life

so let Your mercy light the path before me

I've been doing an online Bible study by Havilah Cunnington called I Do Hard Things (it's free!).  It's so so good. Day 5 is all about taking the next step and giving it your full attention. I took so many notes on this day in particular.. I encourage you to click over and watch the video for yourself.  Seriously. So good.

Sometimes God asks us to be still and know that He is God, trusting that He is in control and we are not forgotten. And then He calls us to climb out and move forward. It's time to move from surviving to thriving. 

A friend sent this to me a few days ago from The Passion Translation's Facebook page. She encouraged me to decree this over my family (and I encourage you to do the same!):

It's time to decree a blessing over your family, your finances and your future! The enemy has made decrees over you but so has God. Agree with your Creator.

Father, I decree over everyone reading this today that they will have blessing resting over their families. They will experience more love and breakthrough in their family than ever before. 

I decree over their finances that limitation and lack will be broken off in 2015. I decree their generosity will rise, their wisdom will rise, their savings will rise, their breakthrough will flood into their finances! I decree over their lives that the future will become exciting and alluring not filled with anxiety, full of opportunities not opposition, dreams coming true, not dashed to the ground.

Lord, I speak these decrees over them by faith believing that the God of Mercy will blanket them, your precious people with a grace that is super-abundant and super-energized to bring it to pass.

Amen!

the fire inside you

print listed in my etsy shop

Sometimes we need a reminder. Sometimes what we're going through can consume us if we aren't careful. Sometimes it seems that things are so beyond our control and we're not sure how we're going to make it. We feel like no matter what we do or how hard we try, it's not enough. Sometimes our hope gets dim. That's when we need to take a deep breath and take a step back and remember that we're not alone. We were never meant to carry the world on our shoulders or walk through tough times by ourselves. We were made for more. And we will get through this. And if we take our eyes off the fire, we can see the blessings that surround us, even when we can't stand the heat of what we're going through. There is a Fire within that is so much greater than anything we face. By greater, I mean better, but also bigger. Our God is greater, stronger, mightier than any fire we may encounter. And He will get us through it.  

"When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burnt; the hard trials that come will not hurt you." Isaiah 43:2 Good News Bible

Keep going. Stand firm. And please, don't lose hope. Dig deep and let that Fire inside give you the strength and courage to persevere. This too shall pass.

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surviving divorce

Divorce is one of the ugliest and saddest words I know. It's not something I ever thought I'd go through myself. As a teen, I experienced my parents' divorce, and even though I never saw them fight and it was a civil disunion, I never ever wanted it for myself, and I definitely didn't want to put my kids through that or raise them as a single mom. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is part of my story. 

For quite some time, I was very guarded and didn't think I'd ever open my heart to falling in love or getting married. Then I went to college and grew in many ways, while remaining naive in many others. I dated a few guys for short periods of time and had a lot of friends, but wasn't sure marriage was for me. Then in my junior year I met someone who was fun, attractive and came from a good family. I fell in love with the idea of being married and raising a family of my own. People nicknamed our school "Bethany Bridal College", with the tag line "ring by spring or your money back". Six months after I graduated, I was married. I remember a few months after getting married, realizing I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into, but was determined to make it work. We were married 16 years and had four children. We were involved in church and even leaders in a marriage ministry. But we rarely connected. He was into his career(s); I wrapped myself up in raising our kids, and became more actively involved in church ministry. We were like two ships passing. We docked at the same harbor but rarely spent time or energy making our marriage what it should have been. Early in 2010, he started working out of town on weekends, and was working 7 days a week between his two jobs. That was also when I began working outside the home for the first time since having kids. It was rough on the family, and on our marriage, but I thought we'd get through it and be stronger on the other side. What I didn't know was that he had met someone and ultimately decided he'd rather be with her than me. He moved out a little over four years ago.

It's been quite a journey... raising four kids alone, healing (for myself and for them), a move, scheduling, school, work, finances, legal issues, etc. It hasn't been easy, and I don't wish it on anyone. But in the midst of it all, we've had comfort and peace that I can't explain. We have never been alone (though sometimes it may feel that way), and we have hope. The JOY of the Lord has been our strength. He is so good, and His love has been so amazing and so real. Sometimes we get frustrated with our circumstances, but we're together and there is peace in our home. We have awesome family and friends who have come alongside to assist in ways I'll never adequately be able to thank.

One thing I'm thankful I learned early on was that I couldn't get through this journey alone. I had always been one to keep real feelings bottled up, but in the weeks and months following the separation and leading to divorce (and beyond), I knew I needed to be open and vulnerable with a few trusted loved ones. I allowed myself to feel every emotion as it came and I was able to share feelings such as frustration, fear, sadness, anger, regret, worry and shame (SO much shame. I felt like I had a big scarlet letter "D" on my chest, identifying me as a throw-away, one who had been divorced). Because I was open and shared in this way, I was able to be strong for my kids. I processed what I needed to on my own through prayer and with a few safe people, so when I was with them, I was able to listen and guide them through their healing processes. I didn't pretend to have it all together with them, and they've seen that I'm on a journey myself, but I have spared them the details and we pray together a lot. I can't say I'm doing it all perfectly or always have the right answers for them, but overall I think we've all come a long way. When I say I've been open and vulnerable, I don't mean in a blast it all on Facebook kind of way. I'm very careful with what I shared publicly, but with just a handful of people who I know I can trust, I have processed and worked through my feelings.

I thought I'd share here a few resources that I have found to be very helpful. If you know someone who is starting on this journey, please feel free to share. My hope is that I can offer what was helpful to me, especially in the beginning, and extend some hope in a time that can feel very dark and lonely. If you are reading this and you are on a similar road, I encourage you to look into some of these resources and also to open up to someone who can walk alongside you. Please contact me if you'd like to get in touch and need to hear from someone who has an idea what you're going through. You are not alone. And you are SO worth loving.

(I have an affiliate account with Amazon, so any purchases made by clicking the links below will help bring in a little extra income to my family.. thank you!)

My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas

I love Angela Thomas. I have since the first time I read one of her books, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? (which I also very highly recommend). She is so real, very funny, and writes in a way you feel like you're sitting with a good friend who really gets it.

I didn't know that she was a single mom until after I became one. (And when I found out, I might have cried a little.  Her too?  She's been through this and she knows what I'm going through?  It felt like an answer to a prayer I hadn't even prayed yet.. to have someone to identify with and learn from.  I read her book and was so thankful that she shared from her heart the way she did. She helped me to not feel so alone. Reading her book helped me identify and work through a lot of the feelings I was having in the early stages of my journey through divorce. She writes about feeling lonely, overwhelmed, afraid, ashamed, and ultimately, hopeful. I got to meet Angela at a conference a few months after my ex-husband left. I told her that I had recently become a single mom, that I read her book and that I was where she had been 10 years prior. She gave me a hug and said, "Isn't that just the dumbest club to be in?" (as in Single Mom's club). Reading this was like having a big sister who had already walked the road I was beginning, sharing her heartbreak, disappointment, wisdom and hope along the way.

Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry

This one deals with all sorts of setbacks and tragedies, not just divorce.  There are many reasons and situations we unwillingly find ourselves grieving and struggling to move forward.  Mark Atteberry reminds us that we are not alone, that God is there to guide us on the journey.  This certainly applies to divorce recovery and becoming a single parent, but you can also pass it on to someone grieving the loss of a loved one, miscarriage, job loss and financial struggles, illness, etc.  The road is hard, but we are not alone.

Each chapter highlights a strategy for how to travel these roads, with titles such as Trust God to Meet Your Needs, Go at God's Pace, Stay Positive, Enjoy Every Oasis, Expect Detours, Keep Your Dreams Alive, When You Come to the Jordan Cross it, etc.  Every one of these is filled with heart felt stories of people who have gone through (and come out on the other side of) personal tragedies of one kind or another.  What I appreciate is that it's not just someone awkwardly offering shallow words of comfort because they don't know what to say.  Anyone can quote Scripture and tell you that everything will be ok.  This is more like someone putting a hand on your shoulder and saying, "I know your pain.  I've been there too.  The circumstances were different, but our God is the same and His love will see you through.  Here's how He did that for me."  It's very genuine and compassionate.  

Every Single Day: Devotional Moments for the Solo Mom (Motherhood Club)


A little devotional book, Every Single Day takes you through 12 weeks of encouragement for single moms.  There are stories and Scriptures for each day, complete with prayers.  Written by a single mom who knows first hand how exhausting, lonely and rewarding the task can be, this is a nice little book to keep by the bedside.

My sister gave this to me.  It's a nice book to give as a gift to someone who is beginning a new stage of life as a single mom.  It's a sweet way to let her know that maybe you don't know the struggle first hand, but that you care and want to offer some comfort.

Divorce Care: Hope, Help, and Healing During and After Your Divorce

I remember the first time I saw a church with a banner for Divorce Care, I was picking my girls up from school as I passed by.  I thought no way would I ever go to something like that.  It seemed like a place divorcees would go to find someone new, like a meat market, and I was absolutely not interested in that!  I was, however, curious enough about the ministry to check out their website.  While I wasn't interested in attending a group, I did sign up for their emails.  I found these to be very helpful.  They were short and to the point, and very applicable for what I was going through and the healing that needed to take place.  Sometimes I found that they pinpointed feelings I had and things I needed to work through before I was even aware of them.  A group formed at my church several months after I had gone through the year of email devotions from Divorce Care.  I realize now that these groups have nothing to do with trying to meet someone and hook up!  They are just people walking the same road who see the importance of community and not going it alone.



Life's Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits

All about recovery, this book takes the focus away from the hurt and onto the healing.  It is broken down into choices that we can make to move toward wholeness.  It is very similar to the 12 Step program in AA.  We have a choice.. we can stay stuck in our pain, anger, disappointment and sadness, or we can choose a life of healing and happiness.  It is very practical and at the end of each chapter, there are actions that suggest activities you can do that will move you closer to freedom from your hurts.

You can also check out the Celebrate Recovery website to find groups, classes and events in your area.


"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions:  Wait for hope to appear.  Don't run from trouble.  Take it full-face.  The 'worst' is never the worst.  Why?  Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.  If He works severely, He also works tenderly.  His stockpiles of loyal love are immense."
-Lamentations 3:28-32 The Message

pressed but not crushed.

There's a song that I've heard a hundred times on KLOVE.  One of those songs you hear and mindlessly sing along to until one day you stop and pay attention to the lyrics.  The song was This is Only a Mountain by Jason Castro.  Here's the video from YouTube:

I was honestly a little offended the first time I really realized what I was singing along to.  Only a mountain?  Doesn't he know how big my mountain is?  But really it's so true.  "This is only a mountain, you don't have to find your way around it.. Tell it to move, it'll move.  Tell it to fall, it'll fall.  This is only a moment, you don't have to let your fear control it.  Ask like you believe, trust like you can see.." At the end of the song it says, "even when it looks big, even when you feel small, just a little bit of faith can change it all." I'm so guilty of taking my mountain on, trying to figure it out on my own.  But you know what?  It's exhausting.  I was never meant to carry the weight of the world (or even my little corner of it) on my shoulders.  All I really have to do is lay it down.  Matthew 11:28 says, Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Weary and burdened... yep.  Rest for my soul... sounds like exactly what I need.  My boyfriend texted this Scripture to me this morning:  "Trust God from the bottom of your heart;  don't try to figure out everything on your own.  Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;  He's the One who will keep you on track."

"pressed but not crushed.  print available in my shop"

This is a painting I did a few years ago, and it sits beside my bed.  I see it everyday but don't really pay attention.  This morning, I read and decided to hold onto what it says, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;  perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted but not abandoned;  struck down, but not destroyed... Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.  (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)  

"Light and momentary troubles".. again, it almost feels offensive.  I don't think Paul (or Jason Castro) meant to belittle the circumstances we face.  But in the bigger picture, our mountains and troubles are  part of our journey, and once we're on the other side, they don't seem quite so big anymore.  

I don't know what kind of mountains you may be facing, but I do know this: God sees your mountain. And more importantly, He sees you. You are not alone. I don't know whether He's going to carry you over it, or make a way for you around it... but I do know that He will be with you every step of the way. Seek Him. Trust Him. He will provide rest for your weary soul.

let it go. part 2

A few days ago I listed this print in my etsy shop. When I created this piece, it came from what I shared in my last post, about surrendering and letting go.

Last week was a rough one for me. Sometimes out of the blue, something inside me is triggered and I realize that I'm still broken and fragile in some areas. I was in a group of ladies last week when this started. I knew most of the ladies and they know me. They know my story and my marital status. There were a few women I had never seen before, and we went around the room introducing ourselves. After a couple of ladies shared, each one included how long they'd been married. One lady said she had five children, and then added, "and I'm married", which made everyone laugh.  Like of course she's married if she has all those kids. And it made me want to run. I didn't want my turn to come, to have to say that I'm a single mom. I know it seems ridiculous. I know most of these ladies. They're family. They've been with me through it all. But I hate that being divorced is part of who I am. I know it doesn't really define me, and it's not all that I am, but it is part of me now. I had to fight back tears and take a deep breath when my turn came, and I got through it. I went home that night and read the first chapter of the book for our study, Unglued. In the acknowledgments, the author, Lysa Terkeurst recognizes her "favorites" and lists her husband and children.  She then states, "You are the answers to the prayers I prayed as a little girl". And my tears flowed freely this time. I had dreams and prayers as a little girl too, and being divorced was never a part of that. I came from a broken family and I never wanted that for my children. I hate that we have to split up holidays and that feeling in my gut when I kiss and hug tight my little ones after  driving an hour and a half to drop them off to visit their dad every other weekend. There is nothing in me that wishes to still be with my ex-husband, but I hate what divorce does to families and that my kids have to deal with the affects. This was not part of the dream.

God has brought a lot of healing and restoration in the last three years, but I realize there are still some areas of tenderness. It's never fun when these things surface, but I'm thankful because it's only when things are surfaced that they can be healed. Sometimes the things we need to let go of are bigger than we are.  Sometimes they are dreams that we've held for a long time. Good dreams. God is all about families and wants them to stay together. But we live in a broken world and people make wrong choices. Divorce was not part of my plan and it's not what God wanted for us. But He can make beautiful things out of brokenness. 

Sometimes there are other tragedies like sickness and loss of loved ones or company downsizing and layoffs that kill our dreams. But when one dream ends, if we let it go, a new dream can be birthed in us. We don't always understand why good dreams have to die, but we can trust that God's dreams are bigger and better than ours and decide to trust Him.  Even though I've come a long way in three years, it was just last week that I realized I still needed to let go of the dream of having a traditional family. To really move forward means to really let go. I accepted the fact that our marriage ended long ago, but I still held on to the feelings of it's not fair for the kids and this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've been telling my kids all along that things may not look like we wanted them to, but it can still be good.  I've assured them that God still has a plan for us.  I've said these things and believed them to be true, but deep inside I think I still felt guilty and wished it didn't have to be this way for them. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I can move forward into the new dreams God has for us.

We are complete in Him. He is the perfect Father, Protector, Provider and Lover of our souls. His love has carried us and at the end of the day when my strength and energy are gone, He is my strength. I didn't really imagine myself being with someone else, and definitely didn't want to go through the dating scene, looking for someone.  But when I least expected it, God brought an amazing, loving, patient, strong and steady man into my life. We both went through similar situations and worked through the healing process on our own before we ever noticed each other or came together. He's someone I've been acquainted with for a long time and it all started very slowly and naturally. The last year with him has been so real and beautiful. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it. New dreams have been born and it's exciting to see what God has in store for us and our children. This is definitely not what either of us had planned, but we are so thankful that God has brought us together and for the new dreams He's given us. Like I said, I am complete in who I am in God. It's not that I need a man to complete me, but he's icing on the cake. And let's face it... the icing is the sweetest part, that's why I always go for the corner piece! =) Not what I was looking for or expected, but a beautiful surprise. I've let go of my dreams to pursue and fully embrace God's dreams for me.

let it go. part 1

One of the things I've learned in this journey I've been on since my marriage ended is that it's ok to feel things like sadness, anger, regret, fear, rejection, discouragement, etc. It used to be that when things went wrong and I started to feel what I would have labeled a negative emotion, I would quickly chase it away and try to magically feel happy again. I've always thought of myself as an optimist, and try to find the good in things. But when something really huge and life altering happens, you kind of realize that you can't just magically make your feelings disappear. I started watching Lost on Netflix around the time my ex-husband left, and as silly as it may sound, I learned an important lesson from the show that I'm still grateful for. It must have been the first or second episode, just after the plane crashed on the beach. Jack recounted a time when he was full of fear just before he was to perform a risky surgery. He was given the advice to feel the fear in all its intensity for one full minute, and then let it go and move forward. He took the advice and after allowing himself to feel the fear, he was able to let go and focus, successfully performing the surgery at hand.  

I've found that to be helpful advice when faced with fears, doubts, disappointments, sorrow, anger, etc. Instead of rejecting the feelings and trying to make them just disappear, I've learned to allow myself to feel these things, even feel them deeply for a time, and then I'm able to surrender the feelings and let them go. I used to pray for God to take my feelings away. Now I let myself feel them and work through them. Instead of asking God to take them away, I ask Him to heal me. I tell Him how I feel, even when it isn't pretty (He already knows anyway). He created us and He gave us emotions. They're not wrong, even if we see them as negative. They're just evidence that healing needs to take place. So now when I'm sad or frustrated or feeling defeated, I feel it. And I pray through it and sometimes talk it through with someone I trust. And then I let it go. It's so important to let it go after feeling it, because if we don't, it will turn into bitterness. I can feel anger, but I don't want to become an angry person. I can feel sadness, but I don't want to become depressed. I can feel hurt, but I don't want to stay there. I want to move forward into healing. Sometimes I may feel like I've failed, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm a work in progress as long as I don't get stuck in those feelings.  

Sometimes things happen that are just not fair. It's ok to feel that way... and then let it go.

Sometimes people hurt us. It's completely normal (and even good, in my opinion) to feel all the emotions that come with being hurt. But instead of acting and responding in those feelings, we can pray through them and let them go. We can ask God to transform those feelings into compassion and pray for the one who hurt us. It's easier to write about than to practice, but with time it gets easier and can become a natural response.

Sometimes we blow it. This one is hard for me. I'm hard on myself and tend to feel like a failure. But that's not truth. I can feel the regret and remorse, but then surrender those feelings and ask God to remind me of truth. Then I can let it go and move forward.  

We can't move forward when we're wallowing in self pity or anger. Our feelings may be warranted and they're always valid, but they have to be temporary so they don't control us or change who we are and how we respond to things.

Sometimes it helps to have something visual to help us remember things that God is teaching us. This is what was on my heart when I painted this.

"Let it Go" print available in my etsy shop.

Your feelings matter. They are valid and they are often justified. But if you hold on to them, they'll make you ugly from the inside out.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Let it go. Surrender it to the Lord and He will replace your sorrow for joy, your mourning for dancing, and your fear, anger and worry for peace.

beauty in the broken

Do you ever read something or hear something that just resonates with you so much, that helps you process and identify things that you really didn't even know you were feeling and needed to process? Or maybe you know there's something, but you can't quite put a finger on it?  And then you hear a song, or listen to a message, or read a devotional or a blog post and it all comes into focus?  That happened to me this morning and I wanted to share it, just in case it might help someone else the way it did me. 

Sometimes I feel great.  I know my worth, I feel confident and peaceful and full of joy.  But sometimes I feel like an absolute mess.  Like I should have it all together by now, like I'm still broken and overly  sensitive, like even a glance in the mirror reminds me of all my flaws, and like I have nothing good to offer anybody.

That's how I felt this morning.  My feelings were hurt, financial stress was weighing me down, there were grounds in the coffee, and I felt ugly and exhausted.  And then I read this post on Ann Voskamp's blog:

When You are Broken: The Now-Traumatic Disorder of Everyday Life

When I got to this part:  

… and you feel like something’s broke.

Like the world’s gone mad, like your heart and head have just up and shattered over night and you are sitting in a mess trying to put the pieces together again and we all get old and there’s no defying it and you aren’t all you want to be and neither is anyone you love.

I really started to pay attention.  Because although her life and circumstances are very different from mine, we all feel the same things from time to time.  We are not alone.  We all get weary.  For me it's not about an upcoming birthday, but it may be subconsciously about a date on the calendar that means it's been three years, and this is not what I had pictured.  

I know that God is working in ways that I cannot see and when I am discouraged, I find hope in His Word.  

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.  (Romans 8:26-28, The Message)

It's like I told my kids three years ago, and I still remind them now and then:  Even though this is not what we planned or ever wanted, God can turn it into something good.  He specializes in taking broken pieces and arranging them into something new and beautiful.  Things will never be the same as they once were, but we are not ruined.  We are being made into something new.  Sometimes the process is long and hard, and even painful, but He's doing a good work.  It will be worth it in the end, but it's also worth it now.  Because in the waiting and in the process, He holds us so tenderly.  He loves us in ways that we only get to experience through brokenness.  It's humbling and hard and so beautiful all at the same time.

When we feel unlovable, His perfect and unfailing love reminds us that we are His treasure.  When we blow it, He restores us with His amazing grace and mercy.  When we are heavy laden, He gives us rest. NOTHING can separate us from His love.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us…. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth – 

nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8

If you haven't yet, I encourage you to go read Ann's blog post. It's also about wanting to be found and  letting yourself be loved. I'm still getting the hang of this.  It's challenging, but also rewarding. And so very worth it.

pressed, but not crushed.

Jesus Calling May 8

There's a devotional book I read every morning called Jesus Calling. I'm always amazed at the timing. Like whatever I happen to be facing, it seems like the reading for that day is exactly what I need. And I know many others have said the same. Today was no different. It was a good reminder that though in this world we will have trouble (John 16:33), God's presence is enough to get us through. It's been a rough week with trouble abounding. But I have been so blessed by God's love poured out by others.  

"pressed but not crushed", available in my shop

Sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I feel like more of a burden than a blessing to those around me. So I have to fight. I fight the lies and search for truth. I won't be defined by my troubles, I will rise above them. I may be hard pressed, but I'm not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I won't despair. I can't lose heart. These are just light and momentary troubles in the grand scheme of things. What really matters is my character and how I respond to the trouble. There may be a lot of things that are uncertain, but one thing I know:  my Redeemer lives. His love is so amazing. And he takes really good care of us. I don't like needing help, but it seems those who have come alongside really don't mind, and may even be happy to offer their time and assistance. I am blessed indeed.

it's been a while.

It's been a while since I've written here.

I'm not really one to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's also a little scary for me to put my art out there for all to see. I feel a little vulnerable, but this is what I feel that God is leading me to do. To paint and create things with purpose, and then to share the stories behind them. I know that stories help us connect, help us to realize that we're not alone. It's worth it to me to allow a little inside peek into where I've been, what God is doing, and where He's taking me if it might offer some hope to someone. Life is oh-so-hard sometimes, but God is SO good and I have found that He is greater than anything I might face. Not only is He greater, He's been with me through it all. His presence comforts, soothes and gives me peace right in the middle of the hurt, the disappointment, the feelings of failure, the uncertainty and the times I feel completely overwhelmed.

"proverbs 3:27" print, available in my shop

Years ago, my sister in law and I decided to start memorizing Scripture together. Proverbs 3:27 was the first one we chose to commit to memory. I really try to live this out daily.  Sometimes it's as simple as giving a compliment. My thinking is that if I think something nice about someone, I better go ahead and tell them. Maybe it won't make a difference in their day, but maybe it will. Sometimes it's going the extra mile or offering to lighten someone's load. Whatever it is, I hope to be alert and ready to act whenever it is in my power. And I guess that's basically what I want this space to be. My hope is that I can share from my experience and it encourages someone. No matter what you may be going through, God is good and YOU ARE LOVED.

I choose thankfulness.

Today and every day, I have so much to be thankful for.  Sometimes we (I) get stuck worrying about things, but I'm choosing to focus on being thankful.  I have four amazing kids, and when I look back at the journey we've been on the last two and a half years, I'm amazed at the way God has provided, comforted, and guided us.  His love has never held me so tenderly as it has throughout the time since I've become a single mom.  They say trials show you who your friends are.  I've been blown away by the support and love of family and friends who have come alongside in ways I would have never imagined, and definitely don't deserve.  I told my sister once that I don't wish anyone to go through this, but I do wish everyone could experience the love I've felt because of it.  It's been so overwhelming and so healing.  

I'm thankful for the friends and family who have been there for us in countless ways.  I'm thankful for my sisters who made time to get together on Sunday, because my kids were so sad they'd be missing their cousins this Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful that God has brought an amazing man (and his two sweet children) into our lives, and that his family has welcomed the five of us with open arms.  I'm thankful that I'm able to be present and available for my kids.  I'm thankful for the dear friend who has allowed me to rent part of her house and puts up with the noise and occasional chaos that we bring to her otherwise silent home.  I'm thankful for a boss who has been so understanding and accomodating with my schedule, and for a job (and co-workers) that I enjoy.  I'm thankful for our church, which has been a place of refuge for all of us, as well as providing opportunities for us to serve others.  I'm thankful for my children, who didn't ask for any of this, but have adapted and grown, and keep me going.  Their love and laughter brightens my days.  And mostly I'm thankful that no matter how many times I blow it, God's love never fails.  I am not alone.  I am thankful.

I only sink when I look down.

I have a confession.  Some days are hard.  Mostly, I have peace and joy and such assurance that everything is going to be alright.  The smile you'd see on my face if you were to see me on a daily basis is a genuine reflection of the peace that's in my heart.  But some days... some days I lose focus.  Some days are hard.  I've had some rough days and sleepless nights lately.  Something (big) was weighing me down and I was unable to shake it on my own.  But the good news is that I wasn't made to carry it on my own.  My hope is in the God I love, and when I surrender my cares to Him, an amazing thing happens.  I let go of my worries and in exchange, He gives me peace.  I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm reminded that He's got this.  I'm never alone.  He'll never leave me or forsake me.  And He takes care of me and my household in ways that blow my mind.  It took me a few days this time to let go of my worries, but when I did... oh, the relief!  I am refreshed.  

I shared with a few friends this week that sometimes I'm like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on water.  Jesus called him to get out of the boat and walk towards him, and he did. (see Matthew 14)  But then he started to doubt and look down and started to sink.  I do the same thing.  When I keep my eyes on the Lord, I have peace, and I can do what seems impossible.  But when I look down at my circumstances and the waves surrounding me, I start to sink.  It's true, there are wind and waves all around.  But when my gaze is fixed on Jesus, none of that matters.  

It reminds me of a line in a JJ Heller song, "No matter how the wind may blow, it cannot shake the sun.  Lay your sorrows on the ground, it's time to come back home."

how He loves us

 

It's Valentines Day.  And I am near the end of a divorce.  But I am living loved.  Some days God's love is so overwhelming to me.  Today I'm feeling His love in a really mighty, yet very intimate way.  His love is so perfect, and always exactly what I need.  My heart goes out to other singles today.  I pray that the amazing love of God will be so real and so present in the hearts of the lonely and broken hearted.  His love is measureless.  It is perfect and unending.  It is unconditional.  It is enough.

"measureless love" print (available in my etsy shop)

hope

today I wish you hope.

"hope" by jenny swanson. part ofThe Retrieval Project last summer. print available here.

Labels: inspiration and encouragement, retrieval project