We got married!

We. As in the whole family. It was truly such a special, amazing day. We got our pictures back from our awesome photographer Amber a few weeks ago, and it's been fun to look through them and relive the day. Seriously, so special and meaningful in so many ways. 

Here are just a few photos to give you a glimpse of our wedding day. I'll add links to YouTube videos of the songs we played too, because we were very purposeful to include songs with lyrics that really meant something and added a lot of sentiment to the day.

This is when I first arrived. We got married at The Benicia Clock Tower, this rustic old historical building. We were going for an industrial look, so it was perfect. The only downfall was that it was a rather warm day, and there was no air conditioning, just a large fan. It would have been nice to have a little more air circulating, but I don't think it kept anyone from having a good time.

We decided from the beginning that our kids would play significant roles in our wedding ceremony, as our union really includes all of them too. Al's (9 year old) son was his best man. This is them waiting to take their places at the front of the building.

As guests were taking their seats before the ceremony started, we played Sara Grove's song "Fly".

There's an elevator from the lower level of the building up to the main hall, and this is where the rest of the kids and I came in from. It brought us in through the kitchen, which was nice because it was a private area where we weren't seen by guests until it was time... and also because the kitchen is in the middle of the hall and I didn't want to make the long walk all the way from the back of the building with all eyes on me! The song playing while Al and the kids came in and took their places was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. Our hope for the day was to display God's goodness in taking two broken families and making something beautiful and new. We are in awe of His love and how He's blessed us.

One of my very favorite parts of the day was having my oldest boy walk me down the aisle. He took it the hardest when his dad left and really didn't like the idea of me being in a new relationship in the beginning. He slowly warmed up to it, but when we first talked about getting married, he resisted again. Through lots of talks and lots of prayer, he has come to accept it, and when Al talked to my two oldest kids before asking me to marry him, they both gave him their blessing. To have Zeke walk me down the aisle meant the world to me. We walked in to "At Last" by Etta James.

Our ceremony was beautiful. We wrote our vows to each other, the songs were so perfect for us, and we included the kids in every detail.

The girls were so sweet. Mercy, who never wears dresses, agreed to wear one for the wedding and looked so pretty. Amelie was our flower girl, carrying some petals in a little bucket. Friends told me later that throughout the ceremony, she would look around to see if anyone was watching, and then casually drop a few petals where she was standing on the stage. So cute. Then there's Brooklyn. Holy moly. What a beautiful young lady she has become. 

And these boys. Oh my goodness. They were a crack up the whole time. So handsome, full of giggles, totally adorable.

This picture was posted on instagram by Zeke, with the caption, "What do you do during communion at your mom's wedding? Take a selfie!" Everyone thought it was hilarious. We loved it! (Confession: He told me that morning while we were getting ready that he wanted to do it, and I told him I loved the idea.)

During communion, we played "I Won't Walk Away" by Frontline Worship. Because we know marriage is hard, and we know having a blended family will have challenges. But we are committed to each other and to our kids through the good times and the hard times. "Nothing will take away, nothing can keep at bay the promise and commitment made. I won't walk away. If it's hard, I'll carry it. If it hurts, I'll bury it. Let it come, let it go. I won't walk away. I believe every word that I said and I heard. No I won't change my mind, I won't walk away."

After communion, we gathered in a circle and our pastor prayed over our new family.

Then, since we were in a huddle-like arrangement and because our pastor is fun and sports minded, we all put our hands together like we were ready for a great play. (And I think we are.)

I LOVE that our photographer caught this picture of the boys during the kiss. Priceless!

I think someone was a little excited that we were pronounced husband and wife, and that it was finally time to party! We walked out to a song called, "Look They're Blending" from the movie Blended. So fun!

My beautiful daughter and maid of honor.

Both sides of our family all together. I love this so much. Just missing my dad and stepmom, who were unable to make it.

Brooklyn and Zeke were our witnesses and signed the marriage license.

Our first dance. Al is laughing because I told him I was glad this was the last thing we had to be in the spotlight for, and then we could just be together with our guests. I'm so not good at being the center of attention! We danced to JJ Heller's "Tonight".

Mr. and Mrs. Portillo!

The rings I wore on either side of my engagement ring were Al's grandmother's. She passed away about a year ago, but when I met her literally the day after we started dating, she gave me a bracelet and earrings to wear for our wedding. We missed her that day, but I'm so thankful for the memory of her giving me her jewelry, and I've been wearing the earrings every day since!

Woohoo! Look at my handsome husband!!!

I'm so thankful for this man!

the tide is turning

In January, I wrote about this being a year of transition for our family. In February, I got engaged (!!!) and started working part time at a Christian preschool. Earlier this month, I accepted a full time position as assistant director of the preschool, and assumed my new role last week. I also submitted my letter of resignation to my beloved Starbucks, which was very bittersweet. I loved my job there, and all the people I worked with and served, but it was time to move on. My degree is in Intercultural Child Development, and it's good to be working in a preschool setting again. This is the first time I've worked full time outside the home since having children, so it's a big adjustment, especially with baseball season happening! Between us, Al and I have six children, and four of them are playing baseball or softball. I'm thankful for a 17 year old daughter who helps with the driving, and for my boss, who is trying to accommodate my schedule so that I can be at as many games as possible. The next few months will continue to bring change, as we prepare for our June wedding and look for a place to live and bring our families together. God is good! It's so amazing to think of where we were 5 years ago, and the journey He has brought us on. At times it has been very hard, very lonely, very discouraging.. but all along, God has been by my side (and by Al's side in his journey). He has helped us nurture and guide our children along the way, and now He's bringing our families together and provided a new job for me. His faithfulness is truly great!

a perfect proposal!

For Valentines Day, my love surprised me with a trip in a hot air balloon! It's something I've dreamed of doing since I was little, and although I'm afraid of heights, I was super excited to go! We scheduled our trip for the next weekend, and got up early to drive to Calistoga, where we would depart. It was so cool watching the crew set up the balloon. They rolled it out on a humungous tarp, and started blowing it up with two large fans. 

It was a beautiful day! I was worried it may be a little cold, but it was perfect. Sunny and cool, and just right!

It was so amazing to watch as they inflated our balloon. I really wanted to take off my shoes and run through the inside!

I looked down from the basket for a second and was a little scared, but then I just looked out instead, and it was so beautiful and peaceful. Look at our view!

Another company was setting their balloons up also, but ours took flight first. I think ours was the prettiest!

Shortly before we began our descent, Al pulled out a little black velvet box. He was trying to talk to me, but it was hard to hear him because of the noise of the flame when the pilot pulled the lever to keep us where we needed to be. I kept leaning closer to hear what he was trying to say. He opened the box and looked at me, like he was expecting me to say something... After a few seconds I asked, "Is there something you want to ask me?" And he did. He asked me to marry him. And of course, I said yes. It was a special moment, just between the two of us, even though there were others in the balloon. It may have been the world's quietest proposal. But it was perfect.

When we landed, I noticed a pretty grove of trees and large rocks, so I wanted us to go over there. Al was hesitant, because we were told that sometimes there are rattlesnakes in that area. I figured we were safe, since it was February and probably too cold for them. He didn't get why I wanted to go, but I wanted to hear the rest of his speech! So he agreed. It was short and sweet, and an experience I'll never forget.

We decided to go to San Francisco for the afternoon and celebrate with dinner afterwards, and he wanted to go to the Giants Dugout store. (He bought us matching orange jerseys!) We went to the one at AT&T park, which was perfect, because for our first date, we went to a game there. 

I love this picture (admittedly, his idea). We are in this together. We know a second marriage/ blended family (with six kids!!!) won't be easy.. But it will be worth it. He posted this picture on instagram, and these were his sweet words: "God works in mysterious ways and I'm so thankful for the amazing lady that He so sweetly placed in my life and that of my children. He brought her into my life quite unexpectedly and at a time when her unwavering support was priceless. I have come to know an amazing love through her gentle ways. Thank you my @jenuineruby and I look forward to spending the rest of my years by your side. I love you!"

We kept our news top secret until we had a chance to tell our kids. Al took Brooklyn and Zeke (my 17 and 15 year olds) aside first and shared with them what his intentions are. He had a little talk that was just between them, and I'm so glad he took the opportunity to do that.  We got them all together the next night and took them out for ice cream to celebrate our youngest, Judah's birthday. We told them the story of the hot air balloon ride, and the proposal, and he gave me the ring again, in front of them in Baskin Robbins. They were happy.. especially the younger ones. I think one of them said, "Finally!" and Judah said, "That's the best birthday present ever!" I agree. It's an amazing gift, this redeeming of broken families and the start of something new. 

sometimes transition is hard.

Being ready for change and even excited about what is ahead does not make one immune to the difficulty that transition can bring. I'm living this now. With my whole heart, I believe that God has good in store, and I look forward to it. I'm also being intentional about savoring what's left of the season my kids and I have been in. But this transitional time is stretching me thin and wearing me out already. 

I feel a bit wimpy admitting this, but I can't deny its truth. I'm looking for what God is wanting to teach me in this. Along with the practical adjustments (mainly in our daily schedule), I've been going through something major spiritually. I literally went from one day feeling on top of the world happy and excited to the next day feeling so depleted in just about every way. And I've been battling it all week. To be really transparent, these are the feelings I've been having: feeling unworthy, unloveable, inadequate, ugly, inferior, and overall just a mess. I'm a thinker and sometimes (way) over-process things, and this week it's been wreaking havoc in my mind. 

A couple of things have helped. First, keeping my attention focused upward. I'm playing worship music constantly, letting it soak into my soul, and praising God for who He is. I'm reading His Word like a treasure and finding reassurance in His promises. And I'm taking my thoughts captive. I can recognize when I start to dwell on thoughts that are deadly. Even when they feel true, I have to stop myself and remember what God says and think on those things instead. It isn't easy, and I'm not saying to stop and pretend it doesn't matter.. but to stop and acknowledge thoughts that are not healthy, try to identify why I'm feeling that way, and then remind myself of truth and purpose to dwell on that instead.

I like to think of transition as something lovely, like the time between afternoon and night. The transition that happens in the sky is a beautiful sunset. And sometimes that can be the case when we face change. But sometimes it's hard, more like the transitional stages of labor. That can be the most intense of all. I remember during one of my labors, when I got to a really tense (and painful) time of transition, I panicked for a split second and thought to myself, "I can't do this! What was I thinking?" But then I collected myself and took a deep, cleansing breath and pushed through. Minutes later, I was holding a beautiful baby, and of course it was all worth it.

If you're going through change and experiencing an intense period of transition, hold on. Take a deep, cleansing breath. Capture dangerous thoughts and soak yourself in truth. Push forward. It will be worth it. 

transition

It took me a little longer than usual to come up with my word for this year. In the fall, the word PERSEVERE kept coming up. And persevere I did. The definition of persevere is to "continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success." This doesn't quite conjure up excitement in me. It's more like dragging heavy boots through deep snow in the bitter cold, hoping that the road won't go on forever and that there might be a nice fire and a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows at the end. (I'm a California girl, but I did live in Minnesota for a while, so I know this cold I speak of. Minnesota nice is a real thing.. but so is Minnesota cold!)

Isaiah 30:18 says, "The Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore He will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." 

In the last month or so, I've felt that things are beginning to shift. I'm so ready to move into all that God has for us this year. 

I've decided that my word for this year is TRANSITION. Transition is defined as "the process of changing from one state or condition to another." I'm declaring this as a year of change for our family. Good things are ahead and I can hardly wait! 

There are two songs that have stood out to me during Sunday morning worship times and I have to declare them over our family for this year.

The first is "Turn it Around" by Israel and New Breed. Here are the lyrics:

all things are possible for You

all things are possible

nothing's too difficult for You

nothing's too difficult

I'm ready for change 

ready for rain

ready for favor

I know You're able to

turn it around

open the windows of Heaven

pour out a blessing 

OVERFLOW

turn it around

open the windows of Heaven

pour out a blessing 

we cannot contain

let it rain  let it rain

You have turned my mourning to dancing

You've turned my sorrow to joy

You have turned my whole life around

and I thank You Lord I thank You Lord

2015! Ready for change! Ready for rain! Ready for favor!

The other song that really caught my attention is "You Have Called Me Higher" by All Sons & Daughers.

The lyrics:

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness

hope to feel Your presence

and I could just stay 

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You

hope to feel something again

and I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You

change me from the inside

and I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

never let these walls down

but You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

and I'll go where You will lead me Lord

You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

and I'll go where You will lead me Lord

where You lead me

where You lead me Lord

and I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my life

so let Your mercy light the path before me

I've been doing an online Bible study by Havilah Cunnington called I Do Hard Things (it's free!).  It's so so good. Day 5 is all about taking the next step and giving it your full attention. I took so many notes on this day in particular.. I encourage you to click over and watch the video for yourself.  Seriously. So good.

Sometimes God asks us to be still and know that He is God, trusting that He is in control and we are not forgotten. And then He calls us to climb out and move forward. It's time to move from surviving to thriving. 

A friend sent this to me a few days ago from The Passion Translation's Facebook page. She encouraged me to decree this over my family (and I encourage you to do the same!):

It's time to decree a blessing over your family, your finances and your future! The enemy has made decrees over you but so has God. Agree with your Creator.

Father, I decree over everyone reading this today that they will have blessing resting over their families. They will experience more love and breakthrough in their family than ever before. 

I decree over their finances that limitation and lack will be broken off in 2015. I decree their generosity will rise, their wisdom will rise, their savings will rise, their breakthrough will flood into their finances! I decree over their lives that the future will become exciting and alluring not filled with anxiety, full of opportunities not opposition, dreams coming true, not dashed to the ground.

Lord, I speak these decrees over them by faith believing that the God of Mercy will blanket them, your precious people with a grace that is super-abundant and super-energized to bring it to pass.

Amen!

the fire inside you

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Sometimes we need a reminder. Sometimes what we're going through can consume us if we aren't careful. Sometimes it seems that things are so beyond our control and we're not sure how we're going to make it. We feel like no matter what we do or how hard we try, it's not enough. Sometimes our hope gets dim. That's when we need to take a deep breath and take a step back and remember that we're not alone. We were never meant to carry the world on our shoulders or walk through tough times by ourselves. We were made for more. And we will get through this. And if we take our eyes off the fire, we can see the blessings that surround us, even when we can't stand the heat of what we're going through. There is a Fire within that is so much greater than anything we face. By greater, I mean better, but also bigger. Our God is greater, stronger, mightier than any fire we may encounter. And He will get us through it.  

"When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burnt; the hard trials that come will not hurt you." Isaiah 43:2 Good News Bible

Keep going. Stand firm. And please, don't lose hope. Dig deep and let that Fire inside give you the strength and courage to persevere. This too shall pass.

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surviving divorce

Divorce is one of the ugliest and saddest words I know. It's not something I ever thought I'd go through myself. As a teen, I experienced my parents' divorce, and even though I never saw them fight and it was a civil disunion, I never ever wanted it for myself, and I definitely didn't want to put my kids through that or raise them as a single mom. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is part of my story. 

For quite some time, I was very guarded and didn't think I'd ever open my heart to falling in love or getting married. Then I went to college and grew in many ways, while remaining naive in many others. I dated a few guys for short periods of time and had a lot of friends, but wasn't sure marriage was for me. Then in my junior year I met someone who was fun, attractive and came from a good family. I fell in love with the idea of being married and raising a family of my own. People nicknamed our school "Bethany Bridal College", with the tag line "ring by spring or your money back". Six months after I graduated, I was married. I remember a few months after getting married, realizing I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into, but was determined to make it work. We were married 16 years and had four children. We were involved in church and even leaders in a marriage ministry. But we rarely connected. He was into his career(s); I wrapped myself up in raising our kids, and became more actively involved in church ministry. We were like two ships passing. We docked at the same harbor but rarely spent time or energy making our marriage what it should have been. Early in 2010, he started working out of town on weekends, and was working 7 days a week between his two jobs. That was also when I began working outside the home for the first time since having kids. It was rough on the family, and on our marriage, but I thought we'd get through it and be stronger on the other side. What I didn't know was that he had met someone and ultimately decided he'd rather be with her than me. He moved out a little over four years ago.

It's been quite a journey... raising four kids alone, healing (for myself and for them), a move, scheduling, school, work, finances, legal issues, etc. It hasn't been easy, and I don't wish it on anyone. But in the midst of it all, we've had comfort and peace that I can't explain. We have never been alone (though sometimes it may feel that way), and we have hope. The JOY of the Lord has been our strength. He is so good, and His love has been so amazing and so real. Sometimes we get frustrated with our circumstances, but we're together and there is peace in our home. We have awesome family and friends who have come alongside to assist in ways I'll never adequately be able to thank.

One thing I'm thankful I learned early on was that I couldn't get through this journey alone. I had always been one to keep real feelings bottled up, but in the weeks and months following the separation and leading to divorce (and beyond), I knew I needed to be open and vulnerable with a few trusted loved ones. I allowed myself to feel every emotion as it came and I was able to share feelings such as frustration, fear, sadness, anger, regret, worry and shame (SO much shame. I felt like I had a big scarlet letter "D" on my chest, identifying me as a throw-away, one who had been divorced). Because I was open and shared in this way, I was able to be strong for my kids. I processed what I needed to on my own through prayer and with a few safe people, so when I was with them, I was able to listen and guide them through their healing processes. I didn't pretend to have it all together with them, and they've seen that I'm on a journey myself, but I have spared them the details and we pray together a lot. I can't say I'm doing it all perfectly or always have the right answers for them, but overall I think we've all come a long way. When I say I've been open and vulnerable, I don't mean in a blast it all on Facebook kind of way. I'm very careful with what I shared publicly, but with just a handful of people who I know I can trust, I have processed and worked through my feelings.

I thought I'd share here a few resources that I have found to be very helpful. If you know someone who is starting on this journey, please feel free to share. My hope is that I can offer what was helpful to me, especially in the beginning, and extend some hope in a time that can feel very dark and lonely. If you are reading this and you are on a similar road, I encourage you to look into some of these resources and also to open up to someone who can walk alongside you. Please contact me if you'd like to get in touch and need to hear from someone who has an idea what you're going through. You are not alone. And you are SO worth loving.

(I have an affiliate account with Amazon, so any purchases made by clicking the links below will help bring in a little extra income to my family.. thank you!)

My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas

I love Angela Thomas. I have since the first time I read one of her books, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? (which I also very highly recommend). She is so real, very funny, and writes in a way you feel like you're sitting with a good friend who really gets it.

I didn't know that she was a single mom until after I became one. (And when I found out, I might have cried a little.  Her too?  She's been through this and she knows what I'm going through?  It felt like an answer to a prayer I hadn't even prayed yet.. to have someone to identify with and learn from.  I read her book and was so thankful that she shared from her heart the way she did. She helped me to not feel so alone. Reading her book helped me identify and work through a lot of the feelings I was having in the early stages of my journey through divorce. She writes about feeling lonely, overwhelmed, afraid, ashamed, and ultimately, hopeful. I got to meet Angela at a conference a few months after my ex-husband left. I told her that I had recently become a single mom, that I read her book and that I was where she had been 10 years prior. She gave me a hug and said, "Isn't that just the dumbest club to be in?" (as in Single Mom's club). Reading this was like having a big sister who had already walked the road I was beginning, sharing her heartbreak, disappointment, wisdom and hope along the way.

Walking with God on the Road You Never Wanted to Travel by Mark Atteberry

This one deals with all sorts of setbacks and tragedies, not just divorce.  There are many reasons and situations we unwillingly find ourselves grieving and struggling to move forward.  Mark Atteberry reminds us that we are not alone, that God is there to guide us on the journey.  This certainly applies to divorce recovery and becoming a single parent, but you can also pass it on to someone grieving the loss of a loved one, miscarriage, job loss and financial struggles, illness, etc.  The road is hard, but we are not alone.

Each chapter highlights a strategy for how to travel these roads, with titles such as Trust God to Meet Your Needs, Go at God's Pace, Stay Positive, Enjoy Every Oasis, Expect Detours, Keep Your Dreams Alive, When You Come to the Jordan Cross it, etc.  Every one of these is filled with heart felt stories of people who have gone through (and come out on the other side of) personal tragedies of one kind or another.  What I appreciate is that it's not just someone awkwardly offering shallow words of comfort because they don't know what to say.  Anyone can quote Scripture and tell you that everything will be ok.  This is more like someone putting a hand on your shoulder and saying, "I know your pain.  I've been there too.  The circumstances were different, but our God is the same and His love will see you through.  Here's how He did that for me."  It's very genuine and compassionate.  

Every Single Day: Devotional Moments for the Solo Mom (Motherhood Club)


A little devotional book, Every Single Day takes you through 12 weeks of encouragement for single moms.  There are stories and Scriptures for each day, complete with prayers.  Written by a single mom who knows first hand how exhausting, lonely and rewarding the task can be, this is a nice little book to keep by the bedside.

My sister gave this to me.  It's a nice book to give as a gift to someone who is beginning a new stage of life as a single mom.  It's a sweet way to let her know that maybe you don't know the struggle first hand, but that you care and want to offer some comfort.

Divorce Care: Hope, Help, and Healing During and After Your Divorce

I remember the first time I saw a church with a banner for Divorce Care, I was picking my girls up from school as I passed by.  I thought no way would I ever go to something like that.  It seemed like a place divorcees would go to find someone new, like a meat market, and I was absolutely not interested in that!  I was, however, curious enough about the ministry to check out their website.  While I wasn't interested in attending a group, I did sign up for their emails.  I found these to be very helpful.  They were short and to the point, and very applicable for what I was going through and the healing that needed to take place.  Sometimes I found that they pinpointed feelings I had and things I needed to work through before I was even aware of them.  A group formed at my church several months after I had gone through the year of email devotions from Divorce Care.  I realize now that these groups have nothing to do with trying to meet someone and hook up!  They are just people walking the same road who see the importance of community and not going it alone.



Life's Healing Choices: Freedom from Your Hurts, Hang-ups, and Habits

All about recovery, this book takes the focus away from the hurt and onto the healing.  It is broken down into choices that we can make to move toward wholeness.  It is very similar to the 12 Step program in AA.  We have a choice.. we can stay stuck in our pain, anger, disappointment and sadness, or we can choose a life of healing and happiness.  It is very practical and at the end of each chapter, there are actions that suggest activities you can do that will move you closer to freedom from your hurts.

You can also check out the Celebrate Recovery website to find groups, classes and events in your area.


"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions:  Wait for hope to appear.  Don't run from trouble.  Take it full-face.  The 'worst' is never the worst.  Why?  Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return.  If He works severely, He also works tenderly.  His stockpiles of loyal love are immense."
-Lamentations 3:28-32 The Message