rollercoaster/elevator/tilt-a-whirl

I'm not sure what kind of ride I'm on right now, but it feels like a mixture of those three. Highs and lows, ups and downs, free falls and slow climbs, spinning, spinning. This last week has been a doozy.

Our sweet Zekey boy turned 10 last Saturday. It seems like he was just the little one on my hip, and now he's hit the double digits. I'm so pleased with the young man he's turning out to be. Crazy, fun, loving, sweet, thoughtful, considerate. I love that kid.

And Brooklyn started school this week. I could write a whole page about all the emotions that brings up. We've been homeschooling the last few years, so this is big for us. And she's in middle school now. (!!!!!) The school she's going to is a perfect transition from homeschooling. It's a Waldorf-methods school, and is much like what we were doing at home. Or really I should say it's much like what we were striving to do at home. She's loving it. She went on a hike for her first day, and is very excited about all of the activities that are incorporated into daily learning. Zeke now hopes he can go too. So far, the fourth grade class is full, but he's on a waiting list so we're hoping that he'll get in at some point.

For now, though, that means I'm homeschooling him. After work. Which I get up at 3am for. I'm really hoping he gets into the school because I'm afraid I just won't have the energy to put into making his learning fun and meaningful.

But at the same time, I'm really sad to think that our homeschooling journey may be over. Of course they learn at home still, through our activities and just through life. But I'll miss some of those teachable moments throughout the day with them. And I'll miss the freedom of being able to take spontaneous trips and outings.

Work is fun, but I suck at doing drive-thru and would be happy to never work that part again. I like taking orders, interacting with people who come in. Learning their names and their drinks. I was a bit frazzled this morning trying to keep up with taking someone's order (which is so much harder in drive thru, navigating through different screens, pushing all the buttons to modify drink orders), while ringing someone else up and making some of the drinks. Please be kind to your drive thru baristas. Much multi tasking is required, and your patience is so appreciated!

I'm thankful for the Retrieval Project. It's keeping me painting, which I might not afford myself the opportunity of doing if it weren't for the deadlines we've given ourselves through the project. I would so love to be doing art full time and making decent money at it. I would also love the time to do more sewing and creating patterns. And while I'm talking about hopes and wishes, I'd also love to have more energy to cook nice healthy meals for my family. Lately it's pasta, quick burritos, cereal, whatever. I love to cook but just don't have the energy lately.

This is a season. And thankfully seasons change. We'll get through this time, and I'm finding moments to savor in the midst of it... but I'm ready for it all to slow down anytime.

merging for simplicity

I have decided to merge this blog with my original one, glimpses and ponderings.  I just imported all of the posts from that blog here.  

When I started this one, it was to have a separate space to record my journey of discovering/ releasing my creative side.  But lately I've been feeling overwhelmed, and this seems a good place to start simplifying.  

The real deal is this:  I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I'm (becoming) an artist, I'm a crafter and sewer, a sister, friend, etc.  It's all part of who I am, so it's hard to separate the art stuff from the other stuff.  It's all intertwined and a jumbled mix of me.  When I read other bloggers' posts, I look forward to some art/creative inspiration, but also getting to know them and their families, their interests and activities alongside their craft.

So, from here on out, you'll be seeing my art journey progress, you'll see what other crafts and sewing I'm up to (something to show you soon!)... and you'll see my kids and hear my heart.  I hope you'll stick around and leave comments so I can get to know you, too!

a good cry

college friends + kids gathered to celebrate the release of Shane Couch's "Miracle" cd

It's been a strange week. Lots of ups and downs here. I've felt a good cry coming on for a while now, and some of it happened yesterday. Not sure if there's more to come or not, but yesterday was a good day. We drove to Cupertino to go to a church (that we used to go to before and right after we got married). A friend of ours from college was celebrating the release of his first cd and we wanted to go to support him (Shane Couch's "Miracle" album), and it was a good chance to get together with other old friends that we don't see very often.

Justin Fox was a special guest (he produced the album and also went to college with us). He played/ sang some music, but he also spoke, and what he spoke cut straight to the heart of what I've been feeling/ going through, without even really being able to process it all out yet. I've been to things where it seemed like the message was spoken straight to me, but knowing that it also spoke personally to many others there.... but this time it was like he had read my blog and my thoughts and knew the struggles I was having (which he hadn't). I was in a little room in the back of the church with Judah, since he was a little too noisy to keep in my seat with me. As Justin spoke, I just listened and cried.

He talked about how our art (whether it's music, paintings, etc) are such a personal part of who we are and it's hard sometimes to put it out there for public viewing, but that when it's an original from the heart, God says it's awesome... kind of like a parent with artwork that our kids create for us. We love it and accept it and are proud of it because it's created with love from them. We don't have to feel ashamed that it's messy or made with squiggly lines. We just need to create from our hearts and offer it. There was more, and it was so right where I was... but that's kind of the gist of it. And I really needed that.

This is so new for me. I've never been one to wear my heart on my sleeve, and putting art out there feels so personal. When we first thought of and began The Retrieval Project, I was excited and thought it was a great idea and that it really could work. But then I started to have doubts, and didn't want my artwork next to Joe's. And then I kind of got over it and did it anyway. The first few days of the project being launched, it seemed like it was a great success. We had sold 5 out of 6 paintings. But then it turned into 5 out of 8, and then 6 out of 12. I felt like it was failing. Like I expected each day to sell out, and have people on pins and needles waiting for the next day's release so they could jump at the chance to purchase before they were gone. I know, super unrealistic. And when that wasn't happening, I felt like the project was failing. Like I was failing.

Again, this is all very new for me. I need to give it time. And chances are, not all of our paintings will sell by the end of this. And that's ok. I decided to think of it like a buffet table. When there are just a few dishes on the table, people are hesitant to fill their plates. They want to wait and see what their options are. Once the table starts to fill up, they will start making their selections. Some things will appeal to them and other dishes will not. It doesn't mean the chef is a terrible cook... it just isn't what that person wants. The next person to come along with a plate will select different options. It's just the way it is. And if at the end, there is some food left over, the chef shouldn't take it personally.

I'm still figuring out just what my painting style is, and experimenting with different things. Some days I'm having fun with it, and other days just feel messy and off. I'm learning that it's all part of the process. And really I need to get out of the way and just let the art out, whatever it is. I feel like messy is part of the style that's developing here. And I like messy. It feels more free. When I cook and sew I'm messy. Not necessarily in making messes, but in not following directions precisely. I like to have a little room to make things more personal, to put my own flavor on it. Imperfections can be beautiful and I'm usually drawn to them.

Anyway, these are the ramblings that I've been feeling lately. Yesterday was a good day. A little release of emotion in the morning, and celebrating with friends. Then we got together with my mom, and then my sister and her family. It was a long, full day. And it was good.