let it go. part 2

A few days ago I listed this print in my etsy shop. When I created this piece, it came from what I shared in my last post, about surrendering and letting go.

Last week was a rough one for me. Sometimes out of the blue, something inside me is triggered and I realize that I'm still broken and fragile in some areas. I was in a group of ladies last week when this started. I knew most of the ladies and they know me. They know my story and my marital status. There were a few women I had never seen before, and we went around the room introducing ourselves. After a couple of ladies shared, each one included how long they'd been married. One lady said she had five children, and then added, "and I'm married", which made everyone laugh.  Like of course she's married if she has all those kids. And it made me want to run. I didn't want my turn to come, to have to say that I'm a single mom. I know it seems ridiculous. I know most of these ladies. They're family. They've been with me through it all. But I hate that being divorced is part of who I am. I know it doesn't really define me, and it's not all that I am, but it is part of me now. I had to fight back tears and take a deep breath when my turn came, and I got through it. I went home that night and read the first chapter of the book for our study, Unglued. In the acknowledgments, the author, Lysa Terkeurst recognizes her "favorites" and lists her husband and children.  She then states, "You are the answers to the prayers I prayed as a little girl". And my tears flowed freely this time. I had dreams and prayers as a little girl too, and being divorced was never a part of that. I came from a broken family and I never wanted that for my children. I hate that we have to split up holidays and that feeling in my gut when I kiss and hug tight my little ones after  driving an hour and a half to drop them off to visit their dad every other weekend. There is nothing in me that wishes to still be with my ex-husband, but I hate what divorce does to families and that my kids have to deal with the affects. This was not part of the dream.

God has brought a lot of healing and restoration in the last three years, but I realize there are still some areas of tenderness. It's never fun when these things surface, but I'm thankful because it's only when things are surfaced that they can be healed. Sometimes the things we need to let go of are bigger than we are.  Sometimes they are dreams that we've held for a long time. Good dreams. God is all about families and wants them to stay together. But we live in a broken world and people make wrong choices. Divorce was not part of my plan and it's not what God wanted for us. But He can make beautiful things out of brokenness. 

Sometimes there are other tragedies like sickness and loss of loved ones or company downsizing and layoffs that kill our dreams. But when one dream ends, if we let it go, a new dream can be birthed in us. We don't always understand why good dreams have to die, but we can trust that God's dreams are bigger and better than ours and decide to trust Him.  Even though I've come a long way in three years, it was just last week that I realized I still needed to let go of the dream of having a traditional family. To really move forward means to really let go. I accepted the fact that our marriage ended long ago, but I still held on to the feelings of it's not fair for the kids and this isn't how it's supposed to be. I've been telling my kids all along that things may not look like we wanted them to, but it can still be good.  I've assured them that God still has a plan for us.  I've said these things and believed them to be true, but deep inside I think I still felt guilty and wished it didn't have to be this way for them. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I can move forward into the new dreams God has for us.

We are complete in Him. He is the perfect Father, Protector, Provider and Lover of our souls. His love has carried us and at the end of the day when my strength and energy are gone, He is my strength. I didn't really imagine myself being with someone else, and definitely didn't want to go through the dating scene, looking for someone.  But when I least expected it, God brought an amazing, loving, patient, strong and steady man into my life. We both went through similar situations and worked through the healing process on our own before we ever noticed each other or came together. He's someone I've been acquainted with for a long time and it all started very slowly and naturally. The last year with him has been so real and beautiful. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it. New dreams have been born and it's exciting to see what God has in store for us and our children. This is definitely not what either of us had planned, but we are so thankful that God has brought us together and for the new dreams He's given us. Like I said, I am complete in who I am in God. It's not that I need a man to complete me, but he's icing on the cake. And let's face it... the icing is the sweetest part, that's why I always go for the corner piece! =) Not what I was looking for or expected, but a beautiful surprise. I've let go of my dreams to pursue and fully embrace God's dreams for me.

let it go. part 1

One of the things I've learned in this journey I've been on since my marriage ended is that it's ok to feel things like sadness, anger, regret, fear, rejection, discouragement, etc. It used to be that when things went wrong and I started to feel what I would have labeled a negative emotion, I would quickly chase it away and try to magically feel happy again. I've always thought of myself as an optimist, and try to find the good in things. But when something really huge and life altering happens, you kind of realize that you can't just magically make your feelings disappear. I started watching Lost on Netflix around the time my ex-husband left, and as silly as it may sound, I learned an important lesson from the show that I'm still grateful for. It must have been the first or second episode, just after the plane crashed on the beach. Jack recounted a time when he was full of fear just before he was to perform a risky surgery. He was given the advice to feel the fear in all its intensity for one full minute, and then let it go and move forward. He took the advice and after allowing himself to feel the fear, he was able to let go and focus, successfully performing the surgery at hand.  

I've found that to be helpful advice when faced with fears, doubts, disappointments, sorrow, anger, etc. Instead of rejecting the feelings and trying to make them just disappear, I've learned to allow myself to feel these things, even feel them deeply for a time, and then I'm able to surrender the feelings and let them go. I used to pray for God to take my feelings away. Now I let myself feel them and work through them. Instead of asking God to take them away, I ask Him to heal me. I tell Him how I feel, even when it isn't pretty (He already knows anyway). He created us and He gave us emotions. They're not wrong, even if we see them as negative. They're just evidence that healing needs to take place. So now when I'm sad or frustrated or feeling defeated, I feel it. And I pray through it and sometimes talk it through with someone I trust. And then I let it go. It's so important to let it go after feeling it, because if we don't, it will turn into bitterness. I can feel anger, but I don't want to become an angry person. I can feel sadness, but I don't want to become depressed. I can feel hurt, but I don't want to stay there. I want to move forward into healing. Sometimes I may feel like I've failed, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. I'm a work in progress as long as I don't get stuck in those feelings.  

Sometimes things happen that are just not fair. It's ok to feel that way... and then let it go.

Sometimes people hurt us. It's completely normal (and even good, in my opinion) to feel all the emotions that come with being hurt. But instead of acting and responding in those feelings, we can pray through them and let them go. We can ask God to transform those feelings into compassion and pray for the one who hurt us. It's easier to write about than to practice, but with time it gets easier and can become a natural response.

Sometimes we blow it. This one is hard for me. I'm hard on myself and tend to feel like a failure. But that's not truth. I can feel the regret and remorse, but then surrender those feelings and ask God to remind me of truth. Then I can let it go and move forward.  

We can't move forward when we're wallowing in self pity or anger. Our feelings may be warranted and they're always valid, but they have to be temporary so they don't control us or change who we are and how we respond to things.

Sometimes it helps to have something visual to help us remember things that God is teaching us. This is what was on my heart when I painted this.

"Let it Go" print available in my etsy shop.

Your feelings matter. They are valid and they are often justified. But if you hold on to them, they'll make you ugly from the inside out.

Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

Let it go. Surrender it to the Lord and He will replace your sorrow for joy, your mourning for dancing, and your fear, anger and worry for peace.

beauty in the broken

Do you ever read something or hear something that just resonates with you so much, that helps you process and identify things that you really didn't even know you were feeling and needed to process? Or maybe you know there's something, but you can't quite put a finger on it?  And then you hear a song, or listen to a message, or read a devotional or a blog post and it all comes into focus?  That happened to me this morning and I wanted to share it, just in case it might help someone else the way it did me. 

Sometimes I feel great.  I know my worth, I feel confident and peaceful and full of joy.  But sometimes I feel like an absolute mess.  Like I should have it all together by now, like I'm still broken and overly  sensitive, like even a glance in the mirror reminds me of all my flaws, and like I have nothing good to offer anybody.

That's how I felt this morning.  My feelings were hurt, financial stress was weighing me down, there were grounds in the coffee, and I felt ugly and exhausted.  And then I read this post on Ann Voskamp's blog:

When You are Broken: The Now-Traumatic Disorder of Everyday Life

When I got to this part:  

… and you feel like something’s broke.

Like the world’s gone mad, like your heart and head have just up and shattered over night and you are sitting in a mess trying to put the pieces together again and we all get old and there’s no defying it and you aren’t all you want to be and neither is anyone you love.

I really started to pay attention.  Because although her life and circumstances are very different from mine, we all feel the same things from time to time.  We are not alone.  We all get weary.  For me it's not about an upcoming birthday, but it may be subconsciously about a date on the calendar that means it's been three years, and this is not what I had pictured.  

I know that God is working in ways that I cannot see and when I am discouraged, I find hope in His Word.  

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.  (Romans 8:26-28, The Message)

It's like I told my kids three years ago, and I still remind them now and then:  Even though this is not what we planned or ever wanted, God can turn it into something good.  He specializes in taking broken pieces and arranging them into something new and beautiful.  Things will never be the same as they once were, but we are not ruined.  We are being made into something new.  Sometimes the process is long and hard, and even painful, but He's doing a good work.  It will be worth it in the end, but it's also worth it now.  Because in the waiting and in the process, He holds us so tenderly.  He loves us in ways that we only get to experience through brokenness.  It's humbling and hard and so beautiful all at the same time.

When we feel unlovable, His perfect and unfailing love reminds us that we are His treasure.  When we blow it, He restores us with His amazing grace and mercy.  When we are heavy laden, He gives us rest. NOTHING can separate us from His love.

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?

Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? …

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us…. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth – 

nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8

If you haven't yet, I encourage you to go read Ann's blog post. It's also about wanting to be found and  letting yourself be loved. I'm still getting the hang of this.  It's challenging, but also rewarding. And so very worth it.

pressed, but not crushed.

Jesus Calling May 8

There's a devotional book I read every morning called Jesus Calling. I'm always amazed at the timing. Like whatever I happen to be facing, it seems like the reading for that day is exactly what I need. And I know many others have said the same. Today was no different. It was a good reminder that though in this world we will have trouble (John 16:33), God's presence is enough to get us through. It's been a rough week with trouble abounding. But I have been so blessed by God's love poured out by others.  

"pressed but not crushed", available in my shop

Sometimes I get discouraged. Sometimes I feel like more of a burden than a blessing to those around me. So I have to fight. I fight the lies and search for truth. I won't be defined by my troubles, I will rise above them. I may be hard pressed, but I'm not crushed. I may be perplexed, but I won't despair. I can't lose heart. These are just light and momentary troubles in the grand scheme of things. What really matters is my character and how I respond to the trouble. There may be a lot of things that are uncertain, but one thing I know:  my Redeemer lives. His love is so amazing. And he takes really good care of us. I don't like needing help, but it seems those who have come alongside really don't mind, and may even be happy to offer their time and assistance. I am blessed indeed.

it's been a while.

It's been a while since I've written here.

I'm not really one to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's also a little scary for me to put my art out there for all to see. I feel a little vulnerable, but this is what I feel that God is leading me to do. To paint and create things with purpose, and then to share the stories behind them. I know that stories help us connect, help us to realize that we're not alone. It's worth it to me to allow a little inside peek into where I've been, what God is doing, and where He's taking me if it might offer some hope to someone. Life is oh-so-hard sometimes, but God is SO good and I have found that He is greater than anything I might face. Not only is He greater, He's been with me through it all. His presence comforts, soothes and gives me peace right in the middle of the hurt, the disappointment, the feelings of failure, the uncertainty and the times I feel completely overwhelmed.

"proverbs 3:27" print, available in my shop

Years ago, my sister in law and I decided to start memorizing Scripture together. Proverbs 3:27 was the first one we chose to commit to memory. I really try to live this out daily.  Sometimes it's as simple as giving a compliment. My thinking is that if I think something nice about someone, I better go ahead and tell them. Maybe it won't make a difference in their day, but maybe it will. Sometimes it's going the extra mile or offering to lighten someone's load. Whatever it is, I hope to be alert and ready to act whenever it is in my power. And I guess that's basically what I want this space to be. My hope is that I can share from my experience and it encourages someone. No matter what you may be going through, God is good and YOU ARE LOVED.

I choose thankfulness.

Today and every day, I have so much to be thankful for.  Sometimes we (I) get stuck worrying about things, but I'm choosing to focus on being thankful.  I have four amazing kids, and when I look back at the journey we've been on the last two and a half years, I'm amazed at the way God has provided, comforted, and guided us.  His love has never held me so tenderly as it has throughout the time since I've become a single mom.  They say trials show you who your friends are.  I've been blown away by the support and love of family and friends who have come alongside in ways I would have never imagined, and definitely don't deserve.  I told my sister once that I don't wish anyone to go through this, but I do wish everyone could experience the love I've felt because of it.  It's been so overwhelming and so healing.  

I'm thankful for the friends and family who have been there for us in countless ways.  I'm thankful for my sisters who made time to get together on Sunday, because my kids were so sad they'd be missing their cousins this Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful that God has brought an amazing man (and his two sweet children) into our lives, and that his family has welcomed the five of us with open arms.  I'm thankful that I'm able to be present and available for my kids.  I'm thankful for the dear friend who has allowed me to rent part of her house and puts up with the noise and occasional chaos that we bring to her otherwise silent home.  I'm thankful for a boss who has been so understanding and accomodating with my schedule, and for a job (and co-workers) that I enjoy.  I'm thankful for our church, which has been a place of refuge for all of us, as well as providing opportunities for us to serve others.  I'm thankful for my children, who didn't ask for any of this, but have adapted and grown, and keep me going.  Their love and laughter brightens my days.  And mostly I'm thankful that no matter how many times I blow it, God's love never fails.  I am not alone.  I am thankful.

I only sink when I look down.

I have a confession.  Some days are hard.  Mostly, I have peace and joy and such assurance that everything is going to be alright.  The smile you'd see on my face if you were to see me on a daily basis is a genuine reflection of the peace that's in my heart.  But some days... some days I lose focus.  Some days are hard.  I've had some rough days and sleepless nights lately.  Something (big) was weighing me down and I was unable to shake it on my own.  But the good news is that I wasn't made to carry it on my own.  My hope is in the God I love, and when I surrender my cares to Him, an amazing thing happens.  I let go of my worries and in exchange, He gives me peace.  I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm reminded that He's got this.  I'm never alone.  He'll never leave me or forsake me.  And He takes care of me and my household in ways that blow my mind.  It took me a few days this time to let go of my worries, but when I did... oh, the relief!  I am refreshed.  

I shared with a few friends this week that sometimes I'm like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on water.  Jesus called him to get out of the boat and walk towards him, and he did. (see Matthew 14)  But then he started to doubt and look down and started to sink.  I do the same thing.  When I keep my eyes on the Lord, I have peace, and I can do what seems impossible.  But when I look down at my circumstances and the waves surrounding me, I start to sink.  It's true, there are wind and waves all around.  But when my gaze is fixed on Jesus, none of that matters.  

It reminds me of a line in a JJ Heller song, "No matter how the wind may blow, it cannot shake the sun.  Lay your sorrows on the ground, it's time to come back home."

dreadiversary

One year ago today, I was on a plane to Portland with Joe to get dreadlocks. Something I'd wanted for a long time, a surprise trip planned by him.  Today things are very different.  Even during that trip, things were not quite right, but I didn't realize at the time how dreadfully different our lives would be today.  I say dreadfully because it is truly a tragedy when a marriage ends (and partly because I'm a big dork and love puns).  But God has stepped in, in such an amazing way, and I can say with all honesty and gratitude that He has given me amazing peace and joy in the last year.  Our divorce was final on March 30.  Just a few days later Joe remarried.  It's been a whirlwind of a year, that's for sure.. but I have a lot to be thankful for.

Here are a few pictures of my dreads when I had them.  I loved them, and it would have been nice if they lasted... but I'm content with my unruly mane.

Wow.  While these photos were uploading, two songs played from my ipod.  The first resonated with my spirit.  I keep praying to be completely humble and for God's will to be done.  

Shoot.  I just checked youtube and couldn't find a video for the first song.  (It's an oldie.)  Here are the lyrics:

Humble Me by Cheri Keaggy

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where I look in Your face
And I'm touched by Your grace
And I see You for who You are

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where my heart can rejoice
At the sound of Your voice
And I know You for who You are

A holy God, full of glory
Full of love for me
A loving God, full of mercy
In Your will is where I want to be

As the song played, I listened and my heart sang along in full agreement.  Part of my morning prayer time includes the end of Psalm 139: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

The next song that came on seemed like a response from God's heart to mine:



God is so good!  The perfect Lover of my soul.  I think I'll bask in that love all day!

faint not.

Just discovered this tonight.  I love the mellow sound and lyrics full of truth and hope.  So far my favorites are Psalm 46 and Holding on to Hope.  Enjoy!

*Edited Friday morning to add this next song, "This is Just So Beautiful". I love it. Yesterday is gone. His mercies are new every morning!

it is well

I've been pretty quiet in this space for a while, and when I finally speak up, I get the chance to live out what I say.  The other day I posted (no power here) about being unaffected by circumstances and standing firm in God's grace.  And what a week this has been!  I was talking to my sister yesterday about what's happening.  I told her that I know God has this, and that everything is going to be ok... I just don't know what that looks like yet.  I've read the book of Job, and I know how his story ended.  He was blessed beyond what he could have ever imagined, and God repayed far more than what was taken from him.  But the struggles he went through to get there... ugh!  I immediately thought of this song from Shrek the musical (which is the current most frequently requested album in our car).

 

In the third verse, Fiona rips out pages from the storybooks and says, "No one needs these middle bits!"  That's how I feel right about now.  I know my story is going to end well.  Probably better than I can imagine.  Man or no man.  That's not the focus... it's not the prince I'm after.. It's the King.  And He's with me every step of the journey, all through the waiting to see how my story turns out, and all through the struggles.  He is here.  And His grace is sufficient for me.

Yesterday I read this in Hebrews 10:22-24, Amplified:

22  Let us all come forward and draw near with true (honest and sincere) hearts in unqualified assuranceand absolute conviction engendered by faith (by that leaning of the entire human personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness), having our hearts sprinkled and purified from a guilty (evil) conscience and our bodies cleansed with pure water.23  So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish andconfess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word.24  And let us considerand give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities

And this morning this in Proverbs 3:3-6, Amplified:

3  Let not mercy and kindness [shutting out all hatred and selfishness] and truth [shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood] forsake you; bind them about your neck, write them upon the tablet of your heart. 4  So shall you find favor, good understanding, and high esteem in the sight [or judgment] of God and man. 5  Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insightor understanding.6  In all your ways know, recognize, andacknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. 

Whatever comes, I can stand strong in Him.  My loving Father sees the end from the beginning, and He's with us through all these middle bits.  He is my peace.  I need to keep my focus and rest in Him.

A dear friend sent me a link the other day to a youtube video of Wintley Phipps singing Amazing Grace.  It included some background on the song, and it was such a touching video.  I sent it on to my sister, and she found this one and encouraged me to watch it.  When we were young, we used to sing out of the hymnals in church, and whenever we sang this one and we were standing next to each other, we'd sing "it is swell with my soul" and giggle.  I love what he says before he sings, "It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through."  Wow.  God is good.  It is well with my soul.